I’ve long compared myself to Clark Griswold on this here blog, but he’s not the only over-the-top fictional character I can relate to. I’ve also got a bit of Ralph Kramden in me.
(Jackie Gleason’s short-tempered but soft-hearted bus driver in The Honeymooners, if you live under a rock or are too young to remember.)
This guy:
And it’s not because I’m forever threatening to send Tara “to the moon” or have a best friend who works in a sewer. Ralph Kramden, you see, was always hatching these get-rich-quick schemes, which inevitably blew up in his face.
Totally me.
Over the years, I’ve invented some great products, like Tan In A Can – a spray-on tan that I concocted for an advertising course in college, long before such a thing actually existed. I’m convinced my professor stole the idea, cashed in big, quit teaching, bought a Mercedes, and married a supermodel. I can’t remember my final grade, but if it was anything less than an A, I got screwed.
But wait! There’s more!! (Something else I learned as an advertising major.)
I also invented smoothies, Muddy Bites, spaghetti shirts, ego-stroking fortune cookies, cheese skirt restaurants, and burger dogs, to name but a few. My brain is a fertile place, guys.
And yet, I haven’t seen a single dime from any of these inventions. Damn the man! Foiled at every step by patents not pending, I guess.
That hasn’t stopped me from trying. For a while there, I envisioned becoming a geoduck poacher, but then we moved thousands of miles from the nearest body of salt water.
I did a little better when I decided to try my hand at crypto. I invested (a very minuscule amount) in bitcoin when it was $47,000. In the two point five years since, it has fluctuated wildly, dropping as low as $16,000 and as high as $69,000, pretty close to where it is today. The problem is, I own 0.000024 of one BTC, which amounts to a whopping $1.61. It seems the only thing missing from these schemes has been the get-rich-quick part.
And yet, I keep trying! Which equates to either unbridled optimism or mule-like stubbornness. My latest venture? Coin collecting! What do I know about coins? Not a damn thing!
Allow me to explain…
A couple of months ago, I wrote about unclaimed property after learning the state of Washington owed me $50 from 2004. My brother did even better; he had $357.32 in unclaimed funds from California. We both submitted claims and have since received, and cashed, our checks. At last! A scheme-free way to earn money!
Anyhoo. I was sorting through the contents of these abandoned safe deposit boxes at CheeseGov back in August, and there was some wild stuff in there. And some valuable stuff, too. All items were being collected for a public surplus auction, which kicked off today. So, I created an account this morning and immediately placed bids on several items. I’ve never participated in an auction before, online or in-person, and can I just say OMG WHAT A RUSH! It’s exhilarating and I am hooked.
I’m mainly focusing on coins. Actual, physical ones this time. Like these 1900 U.S. Liberty $20 gold coins that are currently valued around $2,800 apiece. Now, I’m under no illusion that my $22.50 bids are going to win…surely, I’m not the only person in the world smart enough to Google their worth (the internet is one thing I didn’t invent, sadly)…but it’s fun to dream!
The 7-lb. silver bars I bid $27.50 on are already up to $120 after just a few hours, so that ain’t gonna happen. And somebody wants the lot of 50 Franklin Mint Genius of Rembrant sterling silver coins enough to drive the price up out of my range. But following the bidding history is intoxicating. Man, things are going to get wild in the closing hours on Nov. 7! Something tells me I’m going to be glued to my monitor then.
Are you a fan of The Honeymooners? Ever invent something cool? Have you dabbled in auctions – and if so, did you ever win?
Mark My Words 
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