A Portland friend messaged me this morning. How nice is it to live in a state with no known cases of coronavirus? I bet you can still find toilet paper in the stores there. The crazy thing is, she wasn’t exaggerating. Costco and other stores are reporting their shelves have been wiped clean in the U.S., Canada, and overseas. If you’re looking for toilet paper in many parts of the world, you’re shit out of luck. Even single-ply rolls are being hoarded, the clearest case yet that the world is on the brink of mass panic and desperation.
I’m having trouble understanding the logic here. There are certain items that make sense stocking up on, whether you’re worried about COVID-19 or the zombie apocalypse or, scariest of all, another four years of Trump. Like wine. While everybody else is making a beeline for the TP, I will happily choose chardonnay over Charmin. (Actually, I pine for Pinot Noir and savor Sauvignon Blanc, but I was aiming for alliteration.) If I were to end up quarantined, I’d make damn sure at least some of my hours were happy.
Look, toilet paper is important; I’m not suggesting otherwise. But if we’re being honest, isn’t it really just a luxury? There are plenty of alternatives in a pinch. If the shit really hits the fan, you’re going to need canned goods and bottled water. Medicine and first-aid supplies. Candles and batteries. Not Angel Soft or Quilted Northern.
People sure are funny when the end is nigh.
Tara recently made herself an omelette for breakfast and I couldn’t help but notice a gloriously crispy cheese skirt on her plate. “Is that a grizzly bear in the backyard?!” I asked in an attempt to distract her so I could grab it for myself, but my wife is onto my tricks and rarely falls for them anymore. In retrospect, I probably should have kept it simple and claimed to spot a deer or squirrel instead of a bear. At least those creatures have actually appeared in our yard and might have warranted a glance on her part.
If you’re unfamiliar with the culinary delicacy that is a cheese skirt, it’s the crispy, golden-brown cheese that you find on the edge of a pan when you’re making lasagna or enchiladas or baked macaroni ‘n cheese, i.e., the very best part. I don’t have any actual statistics to back this up, but I’m pretty sure the top three reasons people go to war are for economic or territorial gain; nationalism; and an unwillingness to cede the cheese skirt to other diners.
Thinking about this after Tara swatted my hand away from her plate, I had a revelation. “We should open a restaurant that specializes in cheese skirts!” I said excitedly. After all, there was a Seinfeld episode about a business called Top of the Muffin to You! that sold only the top part of the muffin, i.e., the very best part. Genius idea, Elaine! Imagine going out to eat and finding cheese skirts on the menu.
There’s already a restaurant in California that specializes in cheese skirt burgers. If people are already flocking there for the cheese skirt, let’s just eliminate the superfluous items like the burger patty and bun. I picture appetizers made with different cheeses like cheddar, gouda, and pepper jack. Just a big ol’ plate of cheese skirts! (Maybe I’d offer a marinara dipping sauce. Maybe.) And we’d serve cheese-based entrees like the aforementioned lasagna, complete with their own impressive cheese skirts. Maybe we’ll reinvent some classics, like the Philly cheese skirt steak. How about a decadent slice of New York cheese skirt cake for dessert? Or maybe we do it on a smaller scale. Buy a food truck and serve piping hot bags of cheese skirts. Chips are ubiquitous, french fries are obvious, and popcorn is boring. But cheese skirts…now, there’s a unique (and delicious) idea! Am I right or am I right?
Living in the heartland, I can tell you that cheese curds are wildly popular here. I see no reason why cheese skirts can’t be just as big.
Whaddaya say? Anybody care to invest in my get-rich-quick scheme, or should I aim for Shark Tank instead?
(I’m only signing a deal with Lori Greiner, though.)
Mark My Words 
Cheese curds are now as scarce as toilet paper in Los Angeles. Actually, they were scarce before COVID-19. Maybe because the plant-based diet has taken hold? Maybe because the hipsters don’t know about poutine?
Will trade bread for curds.
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The only way I would ever consider a plant-based diet was if cheeseburgers grew on trees.
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We’ve moved to minimal red meat in our household (1-2 times a month), but I don’t think we will make it beyond ovolacto vegetarianism. Mainly because cheese and butter and baking.
For environmental and compassionate reasons, Americans really should move away from burgers. There’s just no getting around the environmental damage and cruelty in meat industries.
Have you tried the impossible burger? Depending on where you get it, it is really, really good. And I love that there’s no nasty piece of gristle that you crunch down on. I hate gristle.
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Ha! I’m not giving up my burgers (though I prefer a good bison burger, sustainably harvested, of course…they’re very common around here). Tara tried the Impossible Burger and liked it. I had a bite and wasn’t a huge fan, but I know that Qdoba came out with a new line of Impossible bowls and I would try one. I’m not anti-anti-meat…I do love a good black bean burger from time to time.
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I’ve heard of but never had cheese curds. I’ll pass on cheese skirt investment opportunity. Is that a culinary niche waiting to be filled? If so you’ll be filthy rich, able to buy TP at any price.
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I used to hate cheese curds, but when we moved to the Midwest, we learned they are different out here. Creamy instead of squeaky. They’re really good
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I’m literally eating cheese curds RIGHT NOW.
I also dig cheese skirts, and all the crusty edges of any baked things. The edges are the best!
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I’m all about crusty edges on everything baked!
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A cheese skirt food truck sounds promising, and delicious. Thermometers are non-existent here in WA as well as the TP and Purell. Working in a hospital I get my share during the day but haven’t figured out how to smuggle out a wall dispenser and mega supply quite yet.
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I hadn’t heard about the thermometer shortage. I guess that makes a little more sense than toilet paper.
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Hahah…That is actually funny to see all the hullabaloo about toilet paper. There are so many other necessities which should ideally be taken care of!
The Cheese skirt is something, I have never heard of. Looks delicious, though.
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Let’s just say it would make a cheese lover cry with delight.
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Is it!? I need to try that..:D
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Well having grown up in the land of cheese (and chocolate) I will not say no to cheese of any sort. Sounds yum! Must try this myself too sometime soon.
Re the Chardonnay comment, I will drink it if someone gives it to me but I would not choose or buy it myself. Sav Blanc or Riesling for this girl, Pinot Gris also good, as are many others. 🙂
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I love a good dry Riesling and yes, Pinot Gris, too. I’m actually not too picky with wine…as long as it isn’t super sweet!
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Oh and I just came back form 4 stores, none of them Costco or Walmart, and each had plenty of TP…
I hoarded TP even before this impending doom arrived…but I read about an ingenious idea on how to get buy without. Short of using moss on your ass (lol) you can get a bucket filled with water, throw in a few splashes of bleach (note to self, pick up another bottle of bleach), cut up some old tshirt or outgrown clothing from the kids, and use those. Then, dump in the bucket, drain the bucket when it’s full(ish), and wash in machine with hot water and more bleach. (note to self: get more bleach).
😛
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Wouldn’t be my first choice, but that’s a good idea in an emergency. With Tara’s cleaning obsession, I know we have plenty of bleach on hand!
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Yes, shit hit the fan in our county yesterday. My spouse tends toward hysteria more than I, so he sent me out to get a refill on my Rx and to get TP, as I don’t keep copious amounts, and everyone else seems to be buying it up. I don’t understand the bottled water thing, though. Our water dept is going to turn off our supply?
Hand sanitizer and Clorox wipes are long gone. Thank goodness we have a wine cellar in our basement. I’m good for a year.
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I can’t get behind bottled water period. I have an aversion to plastic; not because it’s bad for the environment (though, duh), but I can’t stand the flavor it imparts to water. Give me glass any day.
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Mark, you know my LOVE of cheese, so yes…yes…yes…to cheese skirts! In fact, I would even wear one as part of my daily ensemble. LOL! And you idea about a food truck that serves nice hot bags of cheese skirts. That would especially great in NYC and here in Philly because of all the food trucks. 🙂
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LOL! Funny you should mention wearing a cheese skirt as part of your ensemble. I was actually looking for an image of a wearable cheese skirt to include in my post. I found a few, but nothing that quite jumped out at me. If anybody can pull off such a look, it’s you, my friend!
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Okay, yeah. That burger looks mouth-wateringly good.
I don’t understand the tp thing, either. I sent my hubs a pic of the empty tp roll here at home and wrote, “PANIC!” Good for a laugh, anyway.
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Well, since the cheese is the best part of the burger, I think these guys have really hit on some genius marketing!
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NC declared a state of emergency today. Luckily I live next to a fresh water creek and nature park, so worst case we might have to catch and prepare fresh venison. Thankfully as I write post-apocalyptic fiction, I have a fairly good idea how to get my family through this.
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No sooner had I posted this than I learned that there are 5 confirmed cases in South Dakota and one death right here in Pennington County. Ugh. So much for being insulated in a bubble.
A couple months ago, I read a post-apocalyptic novel (“Severance” by Ling Ma) about a virus that originated in China, swept the globe, and killed almost everybody. That’s hitting a little too close to home all of a sudden.
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Yeah – not great when reality mirrors fiction (though if reality wants to start mirroring Star Trek, I’m all for it. I need a teleportation machine)
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That burger looks tasty. I can feel my arteries firming up just looking at it.
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Looks a lot better than the bronze burger I recently posted, huh?
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I can’t believe I didn’t know there was a name for that delectable piece of cheese! I will invest in your cheese skirt business, or at the very least, drive over and be your first customer.
By the way, I’m with you on your wine preferences, but I did appreciate the alliteration just the same.
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…and I didn’t even have to use a thesaurus to look up the name! Go, me!
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The mark of a professional writer!
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