A few months ago, I tried geoduck for the first time. Prior to that, I christened “but have you tried geoduck?” as my personal catchphrase. You might say I’ve got a weird relationship with this funny-looking bivalve.
Apparently, I am not alone. A recent article – read it here – talks about how illegal harvesting of geoducks is costing the state of Washington a heckuva lot of clams. It is reported that 800,000 pounds are missing offshore, translating to a $14 million loss.
Fourteen million dollars!
My friend Mike brought this article to my attention. He jokingly asked whether Tara and I could account for our whereabouts, given our fascination with this rather tasty little delicacy. His comment may have been tongue-in-cheek, but I’m beginning to think the guy is onto something, after all. I’m thinking Tara and I should become geoduck poachers!
This would be an ideal pursuit for so many reasons…
- The Washington coast is scenic. It’s a much better view than what you’d find parked behind a desk in a cubicle.
- There’s nothing like fresh salt air to make you feel alive.
- My catchphrase could double as a marketing slogan.
- Geoduck is selling for $150 a pound in China. We’d be filthy stinkin’ rich!
- Crack is wack, but ingesting geoduck won’t harm you. Seafood is both nutritious and delicious, as a matter of fact.
- Did I mention we’d be rich?!
Let’s face it, this unemployment thing is getting old. Plus, Tara needs to find a job so she can move out here. This is perfect! We won’t have to deal with endless resumes and dressing up for interviews. Or that pesky little thing called income tax. Sure, we’ll have to invest in diving equipment. And work in the dead of night. And possibly deal with unsavory characters dressed in trench coats. Don’t laugh – those illegal fishmongers are a frightening bunch! But the pros definitely outweigh the cons (see: filthy stinkin’ rich). Plus, we’re both foodies, and any old time we felt like whipping up a geoduck gratin, all we’d have to do is reach into our bucket and pull out a fresh clam. So long as the dreaded East Coast Seafood Syndicate doesn’t catch us skimming the take, I see no flaw in this little plan of mine.
Maybe I can pull a Henry Hill and write a book about my experiences. Sell it to Hollywood, have Martin Scorsese make an Oscar-nominated film about it. Geofellas, anyone? Has a nice ring to it! Ray Liotta’s a bit old to play me, but surely Matt Damon would fit the bill. He’s more age-appropriate, and quite a dead ringer, if I do say so myself. OK, maybe not, but still. I would’ve suggested Mark Wahlberg but didn’t want to get too carried away.
Side note: I wrote an e-mail to Henry Hill once…and he responded. I was nearly beside myself with excitement. Henry Hill is the real-life gangster who betrayed the mob in exchange for his own freedom, and ended up in the witness protection program. There’s that scene in Goodfellas where they’re making spaghetti sauce and slicing the garlic really thin with a razor blade, and I asked him if that’s really how the boys did it. He confirmed that this was, indeed, a trick of the Italian trade. Naturally, I made a trip to the store and bought a pack of razor blades. The next time I made spaghetti, I sliced the garlic really thin with a razor blade. Didn’t notice any discernible difference in the flavor or texture of the sauce, but boy did I feel cool doing so!
I’d better make like Ralph Kramden and focus my efforts on this get-rich-quick geoduck scheme. I suppose I oughtta figure out a way to rig this post to self-destruct after a certain amount of time, just in case the Feds get wind of my plan.
Hmm, it may be time to drop Henry Hill another line…
- Geoducks: Goldmark sticks his neck out (seattlepi.com)
- AMC Developing GOODFELLAS TV Series (geektyrant.com)