But Have You Tried Geoduck?

A few weeks ago, I wrote that I wanted a catchphrase – something I could use in any situation that people would come to associate with me. I wasn’t having much luck coming up with anything myself, so I put the call out to my readers – and you guys delivered! Some great suggestions poured forth, but one of them really stood out. Jess Witkins of Jess Witkins’ Happiness Project delivered the winner! I encourage you to check out her blog – she’s a great writer, shares my interest in the paranormal, and sometimes fills her canteen with wine before setting out on a hike. You’ve got to appreciate that sort of creativity! This also explains my recent canteen purchase. Anyway, without further ado – my new, official catchphrase is:

“But have you tried geoduck?”

This is perfect on so many levels! I originally mentioned geoduck in my guide to the Pacific Northwest earlier this year. It’s something that most people haven’t a clue about. Hell, it took me a year or two of living in the Pacific Northwest before I realized it was a clam, and another few years before I knew how to pronounce it correctly! (For the uninitiated – which is probably most everybody –  it is “gooey duck.” Go ahead, say it out loud. It’s fun, right? You can’t help but smile!). And that’s why I love the catchphrase. It’s fun to say, obscure enough to confuse most people, and closely associated with the Pacific Northwest. Plus, if you have ever seen a geoduck, you’re guaranteed to bust a gut laughing, and you’ll never forget what it looks like. I couldn’t ask for anything more!

This is a geoduck. The Universe is having a good laugh. (Courtesy of marxfoods.com).

It occurs to me that I’ve never actually tried geoduck, which makes my catchphrase rather ironic. I suppose I should make an effort to taste it one of these days. Cooked and cut up into bite-sized pieces, of course. Otherwise, I don’t think I could do it.

But hey, what a catchphrase! I can’t wait to start using it. I’m imagining all sorts of possibilities. Say I’m chatting with a friend and he’s complaining about the weather. “Man, this rain sucks!” he’ll say.

“But have you tried geoduck?” I’ll reply. And just like that, hilarity ensues.

Or, somebody is upset because the Bengals just lost their home opener. I reply with “But have you tried geoduck?” and all is right with the world! It even works in those inane situations I can’t stand, where you’re exchanging forced pleasantries. You know how it goes. “Hi, how are you?” “Good. How are you?” “Good.” Ugh. I hate the phoniness of that whole transaction! From now on I’ll simply reply, “I’m alright. But have you tried geoduck?” Then it will appear that I’ve at least put some thought into my response. And I think the word “but” at the beginning of the phrase is crucial. It serves as a joiner to bridge the conversation. Otherwise, just asking “have you tried geoduck?” comes across as random.

So thank you, Jess, for bestowing upon me a nifty new catchphrase. And don’t forget that this was a contest! I wrote, Thank you for putting on your thinking caps and helping me out with this! I’ll give the winner a featured spot in my blog – one whole paragraph (!!) to write about whatever his or her heart desires. Jess took full advantage of the free blank white space and wrote about an issue near and dear to her heart. I turn the blog over to her now:

“Hello, Mark’s readers.  Lately, Mark has been sharing his realization and rationalization of his obsessive compulsive behaviors.  I’ve got those too.  But there’s one in particular that I will defend until my last dying breath on this earth (which will probably ironically come from the very cause I fight for).  Hand washing.  For the love of all that is good and cleanly, please wash your hands!  When I am in a public restroom and I hear the toilet flush, and the person walks out and goes straight to the door, I wince.  It’s worse if they fake wash their hands, the lazy faucet run for two seconds and out they go.  Put a little effort in please, I’m the next one to touch that sink!  The ultimate insult is when it happens at my own house.  And I live with all boys.  My bedroom is conveniently located next to the bathroom, so I hear every beer flush that occurs, and I don’t always hear the sink.  I buy nice soap.  I buy nice soap so people will know I care about my cleanliness and the cleanliness of my guests.  When you’re a boy who doesn’t wash your hands in my house, I begin to hallucinate that there are penis prints prancing around my home.  They quickly raid my kitchen and the TV remote.  It’s a horrifying sight.  So, I’ve taken to adapting my approach when my roommates invite their friends over.  I ask them to wash their hands in guy speak.  I put pictures of Victoria’s Secret models all over the bathroom mirror with post-it note conversation bubbles that say, “Wash your hands, I don’t want to shake your dick.”  It seems to be helping.  But the more people who can help me spread the word that hand washing is a good thing, the better.  Thank you for your time.  I now return you to your normal blogger.”

I can honestly say I never thought the phrase “penis prints prancing” would find its way onto my blog (nor “shake your dick” for that matter), but a deal is a deal! Ladies and (apparently, and especially) gentlemen, please wash your hands after using the restroom! Our health (and sanity) depend upon clean hygiene. Not doing so is too disturbing to think about. It could mean the end of western civilization as we know it.

But have you tried geoduck?


29 thoughts on “But Have You Tried Geoduck?

  1. gooey duck, gooey duck, gooey duck!

    Oooooo…that was fun!

    And Mark, that photo is freakin’ HILARIOUS! When I very first looked at it I thought it was part of a GOLF CLUB!!!!

    But then, my dirty little mind thought of something else – HA!

    @Jess: OMG…I have the same OCD tendency!!!

    “When I am in a public restroom and I hear the toilet flush, and the person walks out and goes straight to the door, I wince.”

    HA! SO DO I! And I can’t tell you how many times that happens in the mens room! Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww! That’s why I always use a paper towel to open the door when I leave. I refuse to touch the door knob with my bare hands.

    “I put pictures of Victoria’s Secret models all over the bathroom mirror with post-it note conversation bubbles that say, “Wash your hands, I don’t want to shake your dick.”

    Bwhahahahahahahaahaha! That’s brilliant!

    And you have my word that I will do my best to help you spread the word.


    Great post, Jess! And congrats on coming up with Mark’s new catchphrase – it’s stellar!

    Faaaaaaaaabulous post, Mark!


    1. When I was still gainfully employed, I always used a paper towel to open the door of the men’s room when leaving. In fact, I moved a trash can over there for that express purpose – and it caught on. It’s one thing when people don’t wash their hands after using the bathroom, but another entirely when it’s your cubicle mate!!

      I never saw the golf club, but I do now. I guess my mind was dirty from the start!


      1. I do this too! I keep my paper towel and hit the handicap button so I don’t have to touch the door. And I readily keep hand sanitizer in purse. I mean dirt is dirt, but fecal matter!!! Gross!


  2. Hysterical, Mark! And you are right–the “but” at the beginning is crucial. However, I love Heidi’s comment above–too perfect!

    By the way, I only have 100 pages or so go on your novel–which I still adore. That Drake though is one hell of a guy! Yikes!



    1. Knowing Heidi in real life as I do, her comment does not surprise me in the least. 🙂

      And I say, if you’re going to create a bad guy – make him a REALLY bad guy, you know? Drake was fun to write. I wanted people to DESPISE him – sounds like it’s working!


  3. This post was the highlight of my day. That geoduck looks like he’s experienced one of the adverse reactions listed in the Viagra commercials. Just sayin’.

    Jess, I’m with you on the hand washing thing, as you already know. I’m thinking of carrying a geoduck in my purse to pry open the public bathroom doors so I don’t have to touch them in the absence of paper towels.


    1. OMG – lol! (Although what one person considers an “adverse reaction” another person might actually cheer for).

      Walk out of the bathroom carrying a geoduck and I’m guessing you’re on the receiving end of more than a few odd stares.


    2. I can’t decide what’s worse. Someone not washing their hands, or someone using a geoduck to open the bathroom door. You just better not eat that thing when you’re done! Why do I get the feeling some similar situation is going to occur at my workplace soon?


  4. It was really, really hard to stifle my laughs while reading this at work. Hilarious!

    Will you, perty please, wait until October to try the geoduck? 🙂


      1. Hell yes, I want to try geoduck! Who wouldn’t??? Besides, if I HAVE tried the geoduck, I can always reply to your catch phrase in the affirmative 🙂


  5. I had an uncle who was really more of a cousin twice removed but was older like an uncle but married in, not actual blood-related, so, really, he was just an older guy I had to see at Thanksgiving–who was a gooeyduck diver.

    they are disgusting–but quite the delicacy, I’m told.

    Especially overseas in Japan.

    I wonder what God was thinking, when he made those things?

    and, here’s a sentence for you to try out your new catchphrase on:

    “Oh, Mark, I love you!”
    **insert your catch-phrase here, to see just how fast she’ll run away from you…**



    1. They also eat poison blowfish over in Japan, so one man’s delicacy is another man’s death wish, I suppose.

      LMAO over the “I love you” response. I think that’s one occasion where my catchphrase might land me in a heap of trouble. But if she does love me, I bet she’ll be all over that geoduck.

      Err…so to speak…


  6. Great introduction to your catchphrase, Mark! And thank you for letting me take over a bit of your blog and share my public service announcement. I’m going to wash my hands right now, some of these comments were dirty. LOL.


  7. When the page loaded I caught the top of the Geoduck and thought “Is that a…?” and noticed that is wasn’t a penis after scrolling down a bit more. Instead it now had the look of an old man’s toe, (who had a bit of the gout) stuffed after his death. Like you would an animal you shot in the woods.

    I loved Jess’s talk about sharing a bathroom with a male in the house. Now, every time B closes that door I will think “Penis Prints” for days. I just may have to copy pictures of half naked Jenifer Aniston and tape them to his mirror with “Jennifer would like you not to shake it there.” LFROL

    P.S. Since reading a few of your later posts I find myself backing the truck in when I park. B calls it “Pimping.” Whatever. Haha. Also… Michigan’s two parts are only connected by a bridge a bit over 5 miles long. Before 1957 my Mom had to take a ferry boat from the top half to the bottom half. The top half has wanted to become their own State, yet with the economy and such it would be very hard for them to survive alone.


    1. If you read about backing in, you went pretty far back…to a time when hardly anybody read this blog. I’m impressed. I like the term “pimping” – may have to start using that myself!

      Thanks for stopping by and commenting, and for educating me on Michigan. I had no idea there was a separatist movement afoot!


  8. “I begin to hallucinate that there are penis prints prancing around my home.”
    Hilarious. I want you to give us an update if your Google searches change, lol. 🙂 Man, I better participate in your next contest. I wanna write something crazy and random on your blog!


    1. I’d love to have you write something crazy and random on my blog. Hell – just send something over and I’ll find a place for you! After all, you’ve let me into yours twice now. 🙂


  9. HAHAHA! Oh MY GOSH! I have been MIA for awhile (extended family drama called) and am catching up on all I’ve been missing!!! This was hilarious! I was SO not expecting “shake your dick”, or “penis prints prancing” either! Ha, thanks so much for the chuckle, I needed that!


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