August 22 is a seminal day in MarTar history. One that changed the course of our entire lives. We have lovingly come to refer to it as our “Boinkiversary.” We’re the last of the true romantics!
And today is a big one. Ten years, folks.
I’ve shared this story before, so I won’t go into the details again. Especially not those details. Suffice it to say, what was supposed to be one casual date turned into an entire future together. Ten years ago tonight, I never, ever, ever, ever, ever would have imagined we’d be married and living in Rapid City, South Dakota.
Sadly, we are not even celebrating the big day together. Tara left early this morning for the wilds of Wyoming. She’s spending a couple of days camping and fishing with her dad, sister, uncle, and their significant others and will be back Tuesday evening. I was invited, but fishing isn’t really my thing. Don’t get me wrong: I hope to hell she comes back with a cooler full of walleye because eating fish is totally my thing.
Plus, I’d rather save up my PTO for future adventures. My parents will be visiting at the end of September and it might be nice to take a day or two off when they’re here, since we had to cancel our original Pacific Northwest Labor Day vacation plans.
Anyway. I’m so glad my life changed forever 10 years ago, because man, I’d been through the emotional wringer in the years leading up to August 22, 2011. The divorce was bad enough. The relationships that followed weren’t much better. Yet, when I found myself newly single at the age of 37 for the first time since high school, I had high hopes. Dating would be fun, I thought.
Boy, was I naive.
But I plunged in regardless. When you basically settle down at the age of 17 and are set loose for the first time two decades later, the world is your oyster, baby.
To find that elusive pearl, I decided I’d have to join a dating site. And the first thing I’d need would be a profile.
Guess what I stumbled upon the other day?
Ha. This is kind of embarrassing, but I’m a-gonna share it anyway. My first-ever online dating profile. Submitted for your
Warning: it’s a little dated. OK, a lot dated.
You know those U-Scan machines that are so popular these days? Where you bag your own groceries and pay for them without ever having to come into contact with another human being? I’m wondering, when you purposely avoid the available checker and choose instead to wait in line to ring yourself up, is that a sign of independence or social awkwardness? Those are the types of questions that keep me awake at night. If you, too, have a slightly skewed sense of humor, maybe we are a match. We could also be compatible if you…
A) Think Jim and Pam from “The Office” are the World’s Perfect Couple. Alternatively, owning a Dwight Schrute bobblehead doll will win you major points. Or just knowing that Kevin leads a Police cover band called Scrantonicity. Because in a universe where reality television rules, this sitcom is like a beacon of hope. Not that there’s anything wrong with reality TV. It’s just that, if I hear Jeff Probst utter the words “wanna know what you’re playing for?” one more time, I just might scream.
2) Don’t shy away from exotic foods like buffalo or foie gras. You don’t have to be a five-star chef; I love to show off my culinary skills, but it’s tough to do so if your idea of haute cuisine is bologna on Wonder bread. Bonus points if you can actually pronounce foie gras.
C) Consider Powell’s Books a mecca worthy of a monthly journey. So long as you don’t spend all your time browsing through used Archie comics or arcane tomes with titles like “101 Uses For Belly Button Lint.”
4) Can actually name two or more hobbits from “Lord Of The Rings.” And Frodo doesn’t count, he’s a gimme. Don’t worry, I’m not an obsessive Middle Earth geek who debates the merits of mithril versus modern-day kevlar. I just think the movies (and books) really rocked. And by the way, mithril – hands down.
E) Prefer Sufjan Stevens, the Fiery Furnaces, and Keane to the likes of Ludacris, Usher, and Jessica Simpson. I’d I’d rather listen to Gregorian chants or Celtic strings or a Zamfir Greatest Hits compilation than rap music.
If you’ve read this far and are thinking “Hmm, interesting guy, but where’s the skeleton in his closet?” here are a few essential facts…
I’ll be divorced the end of October. Is it too soon to be dating? Hey, I’m not looking to take a walk down the aisle anytime soon (not counting the local cineplex), I just want to go out, have fun, and meet some new people. I work in customer service for a pressure washing company, but my true passion is writing – I’ve penned four novels and am hard at work on a fifth. (Technically, I “keyboarded” those books, but doesn’t “penned” sound much more romantic?). My single biggest goal in life? To become a published author. I also like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain.
If I haven’t completely scared you off, drop me a line, or do whatever it is you do around this site. I’m new here…still learning the ropes.
That’s a solid 7 on the cringeworthy scale, eh? A few thoughts:
- I was trying way too hard to be clever, starting with the numbering scheme.
- I was really into The Office back then.
- And Lord of the Rings.
- Tara loves Wonder Bread.
- This is too long. Maybe a little too pompous. And definitely too nerdy.
I did fine-tune my profile over the years, but never had much luck with those dating sites. The one time I did, it was good for a little while. And then it was a disaster.
So, is it any wonder I cherish August 22 so much? I’ve long said that Tara saved me.
She saved me from myself, ha.