Tossed Salads & Scrambled Begs

The good news: I’ve got the next three days off work.

The bad news: They’re not paid…and my long-term employment at CenturyCo is suddenly in jeopardy.

#&@%!

I’ve only got myself to blame, I guess, though I think my supervisor, D., has blown things way out of proportion. She called me into her office Wednesday afternoon to inform me I was being written up and suspended for three days without pay. I was totally shocked and had NO IDEA what I’d done wrong.

“Our IT department says you were surfing for porn using company property this morning,” she said.

Come again?! I almost shouted, but under the circumstances, that seemed like a poor choice of words.

Here’s the thing. I’m no prude, but I certainly am not a porn surfer! Or any kind of surfer, for that matter. Even living in Hawaii all those years, I stuck to boogie boards.

Seriously, though: I would never jeopardize my job by doing something so stupid, so I asked D. to explain what trumped-up B.S. they had on me.

“Your search history reveals you were looking up how to toss your salad,” she said.

I stared at her blankly, uncomprehending. It was true. I had done that! But, so what? I couldn’t fathom how such an innocent Google search raised alarms in the IT department. Sensing my confusion, D. explained — and I apologize in advance for the graphic nature of the description — that “tossing your salad” is urban slang for performing oral sex on somebody’s, ahem, butthole. Lemme tell you, few things in life are more embarrassing than hearing your boss use the word “anus.”

Public Service Announcement: you’ll get the same result if you’re thinking about upgrading the wheels on your car and Google, where can I get a rim job. 10/10 I do not recommend that.

“But…but…” I stammered.

“Exactly!,” she replied, rather smugly, as if she’d just wandered into the kitchen unannounced and caught her kid with his hand in the cookie jar. I wanted to tell her my but had one t and not two, but it seemed pretty pointless. I could tell by her demeanor that I was already guilty in her eyes. She made me sign some paperwork, took away my security badge, and had me leave right then and there. I begged her to reconsider, but no dice. That was a long walk of shame to my car in the parking lot…and I didn’t even do anything wrong!

Guys, this is bullshit. I seriously can’t believe it’s happening. I’m working on an article about getting rid of leftovers that have spoiled, for godsakes! I googled that phrase because I learned that lettuce that has gone bad will exhibit signs of discoloration, a moist texture, and a rotten smell, and wanted to know how to dispose of it. That’s all!

The great irony, I suppose, is that eating rotten lettuce probably isn’t much worse than eating actual ass.

I don’t know what to do now. How can I possibly look my coworkers in the eye when I come back next Tuesday? I’ve got a reputation as some sort of sexual deviant now and it’s not true!

Well, mostly not true.

Whatever. All I know is, I updated my resume and Indeed.com subscription last night and am once again looking for a new job. To say I’m devastated is an understatement. CenturyCo was perfect for me. I doubt I’ll be able to find another company that pays so well and offers such amazing benefits.

This sucks. ☹