Sometimes I don’t understand women.
Not always, mind you. Usually only between the moment my eyes open in the morning and when they close at night. The rest of the time, my comprehension is superb.
OK, I exaggerate. I actually love how well Tara and I get along. We have the same thoughts on most topics, it seems.
But not shampoo.
You see, I buy the type that is a 2-in-1 combination. Shampoo and conditioner, mixed together in the same bottle. How convenient, right? It takes me half as long to wash my hair in the shower than it would otherwise. A perfect time-saving technique for my “life is short” philosophy. And, you save space that way. We already have a bazillion things taking up room in the shower. Shampoo, conditioner, shampoo-and-conditioner-in-one, body wash for her, body wash for me, soap for her, soap for me, etc. The truth is, I wouldn’t mind using her soap, but I’m afraid I’d be breaking some cardinal rule if I did. It’d be like using Secret deodorant, an obvious no-no based on their marketing slogan (Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman). Tara, on the other hand, feels that shampoo-plus-conditioner-in-one doesn’t work nearly as well as a bottle of shampoo and a bottle of conditioner. Claims it doesn’t really condition your hair, and instead dries it out.
I think my problem is, I don’t really understand what a conditioner does, exactly. I mean, it obviously conditions. But what does that mean? Conditions it for what? I think Madison Avenue is trying to pull a fast one on us, folks.
Plus, I’m already irritated about the amount of time I spend in the shower. I average about 12 minutes a day. Do you realize that means, over the course of a typical year, I spend about 73 hours in the shower? That’s three whole days. Holy pruney skin! I certainly don’t want to add another few minutes by devoting extra time to shampooing, then rinsing, then conditioning (whatever that is), then rinsing, when the whole thing can be accomplished in one easy step instead. I’m all about efficiency, baby. I’d eat breakfast in the shower if I could figure out an easy way to do so. You know, people mock hippies and call them “dirty” because there is a stereotype that they don’t like to bathe. As if that’s a bad thing. At least the people who believe in peace, love, and granola haven’t wasted 132 days of their lives in the shower, as I have! That’s four months I’ll never get back again. They may not smell great, but they’ve got a lot of extra time on their hands in which to search for inner enlightenment. Or watch repeats of Welcome Back, Kotter on TVLand, but whatever.
Speaking of TV, I just saved $100 a month on my cable bill by calling Comcast last week and changing my plan to one that only has 80 channels instead of 160. Somehow, the cable bill had crept up to a ridiculous $231 a month. Seriously?! I was subscribed to every premium channel available. HBO alone was out of control. I had HBO East, HBO West, HBO 2 East, HBO 2 West, HBO Signature East, HBO Signature West, HBO Family West, HBO Latino West, HBO Comedy East, and HBO Zone East. And then there was Showtime West, Showtime East, Showtime Showcase West, etc. et. al. ad. infinitum. The kicker? I never even watched HBO or Showtime. This all started because once, a couple of years ago, I added Showtime when they were running a $7.95-a-month special and I wanted to catch the new season of Dexter. Then when I went to cancel, they were having another special where “it would actually be cheaper for you to add the preferred digital package with about a hundred useless channels you’ll never watch” than simply canceling Showtime. Which it was…for about a single month. Then the price gradually crept up, just a little bit each month, until I suddenly found myself looking into taking a second mortgage out on the house just to pay for Starz West. And Starz Edge West, Starz in Black, Starz Cinema, Starz Kids & Family, and Starz Comedy. None of which I ever watched because, oh hey by the way, I’ve got Netflix.
Making that phone call was so damn gratifying. I’m still paying a lot for cable – and I still have a freakin’ “Infinity Voice” feature with a telephone # that I will never use, because it was cheaper to keep that service and go for the Triple Play package (cable/internet/telephone) than to do it piecemeal (and doesn’t this sound remarkably familiar?) – but hey, a hundred bucks is nothing to sneeze at. If I need to trim further in the future, I will. I’m all about saving money these days.
Except when it comes to breakfast, apparently. Because yesterday, we dropped $60 on a morning meal. The funny thing is, I didn’t even bat an eye at the time, but later that afternoon Tara said, “I can’t believe we spent $60 on breakfast,” and I was all, “I thought it was only $50!” and once the words came out of my mouth, I realized how ridiculous they sounded, because even $50 is an awful lot to spend on breakfast. But in all fairness, it was $60 with the tip, and $30 of it was spent on cocktails, simply because I can’t just go to brunch and not order a Bloody Mary or two, you know? Plus, this was a really cool place – a tiki bar in Portland complete with thatched roof, glowing pufferfish suspended from the ceiling, an outrigger canoe, a waterfall, a volcano that erupts on occasion, and thunderstorms that roll through periodically. Hale Pele, if you’re local. Check it out.
Granted, an expensive breakfast like that is a special occasion, one that we don’t indulge in too terribly often, so I won’t feel too bad about it. Besides, life is short, remember?
Far too short to waste time with separate shampoo and conditioner…