You’ll have to pry that avocado from my cold, dead hands.

I read recently that avocados are falling out of favor with chefs because they are an unsustainable fruit that has a large carbon footprint, requires a ton of water, and contributes to deforestation.

Ain’t that the pits.

Look, I’m all for saving the earth and protecting our natural resources. But if you expect me to give them up and guac away, you’ll have to pry that avocado from my cold, dead hands.

I love avocados. I eat two a week, on average. More if I’m making my famous guacamole. I’ll recycle extra hard, compost my ass off, install solar panels — hell, I’ll even drive a Prius — in order to compensate for my avocado consumption if I have to. My definition of “going green” means filling my shopping cart with even more avocados.

Some lunatic chefs are coming up with more-sustainable substitutes for avocados. They’re making guacamole out of ingredients like fava beans, blanched peas, pistachios and fermented gooseberries, courgette and pumpkin seed paste.

No, no, no, no, no.

NO.

I don’t even know what a courgette is! Sounds like a dog breed.
(I just looked it up. It’s a zucchini. Why didn’t they call it that in the first place?!)
(And it’s still a no.)

I can’t imagine a world void of avocados. What on earth would be put on toast? Butter?! I can already hear the panicked shrieks of 50 million Millennials filling the air.

Avocados are an excellent source of nutrients, including healthy fats and fiber. They contain anti-inflammatory and antioxidant compounds and may help reduce heart disease risk and certain cancers. You can even turn them into a face mask and, voila! Instant fountain of youth. Plus, they’re pretty damn delicious.

I’m sorry, but if we can put a man on the moon, surely we can figure out how to grow an avocado without using 9.5 billion liters of water.

And doesn’t the fact that avocados are a zero-waste food count for something?

Here’s a thought. Let’s ban watermelons instead. The world would be a better place without those gigantic orbs of disgustingness. Fine, they’re more environmentally friendly. I can accept that. But just try making a decent guacamole out of a melon! Can’t do it, huh??

Guacamole made with anything other than avocados would be like oat-free oatmeal. There’s just no such thing.

Yesterday, we received the appraisal on our house. That was the last missing piece and everything checked out just fine (it actually appraised $2,000 higher than what we’re paying), so we can now proceed to closing. We have an appointment scheduled for the morning of Feb. 22, but could close as early as next Thursday if the sellers are willing. I know I am! I’m so impatient to get moved in, Tara has taken to calling me Veruca Salt.

Does that make me a bad egg?

Funny, I wasn’t this anxious when we bought our house in Rapid City. Don’t get me wrong: I was plenty excited then. But this feels bigger and better. I’m just tired of living half-underground. It would be okay if this were a hobbit house, but it’s just an apartment with finicky locks on the doors, a hallway that smells like weed 24/7, and an 80-year-old tree-hating neighbor who confuses gardening implements for kitchen tools.

I miss my stuff. Not just my potato masher, but my weather station and aquarium and a million smaller things I thought nothing of boxing up in the heat of the moment until one day, months later, I wondered why in the hell I ever packed them away for long-term storage.

With the appraisal back and a closing date set, I wasted no time giving our landlord a 30-day notice. Only they don’t allow mid-month terminations, so we’re actually stuck paying through March 31. And we have to put up with strangers traipsing around while they show the place to potential renters. Oh, boy.

It’s fine, though. We’ll need a few weeks’ overlap for painting and moving all our shit. I expect we’ll be fully vacated by the middle of the month regardless.

Remember Ice Castles? The on-again/off-again/on-again event Tara and I had tickets for? Well, it’s off again. This time for good, as yesterday’s email attested.

Thank you for your support of Ice Castles. This winter, Ice Castles has experienced unprecedented weather challenges. Over the last two days, warm temperatures have caused significant damage. Unfortunately, with the continued warm weather forecasted over the next week, the damage is irreparable. 

We regret to inform you that Ice Castles Wisconsin is closed for the season.

Please know, we are just as disappointed as you are. Our crew in Wisconsin this year worked tirelessly to rebuild the Castle 3 times this season, but despite our best efforts, the weather this winter is too warm to sustain operations.

Well, crap.

Ironically, this email arrived on a most winterlike day. One that started out with rain, and then bounced around between liquid and frozen precipitation for a couple of hours before the rain and sleet finally decided to just be snow.

But alas, next week we’re looking at temps again in the 40s. And more rain. I guess Ice Castles just wasn’t meant to be this year. It was open for a whopping three or four days, I think. Hope the lucky bastards who got to go enjoyed it as much as I would have.

Do you like avocados? Channeling my contempt for watermelon, is there a food you despise and wouldn’t mind seeing disappear from the face of the earth forever? Who makes a better Willy Wonka, Gene Wilder or Johnny Depp? (Please don’t respond if your answer is anything other than Gene Wilder.)

60 thoughts on “You’ll have to pry that avocado from my cold, dead hands.”

  1. Mushrooms. I detest them. And I’m so glad you’ll be getting out of that apartment. I know how hard it is to adjust after owning a nice spacious home. And a basement apartment at that!!

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    1. My mom dislikes mushrooms, too – but I love them! It’s funny how different everybody’s tastes can be.

      This isn’t a true basement apartment per se. We’re below ground, but the windows are at about chest level. I should post some pics. Either way, it’s a little claustrophobic. I hate not being able to really see what’s going on outside.

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  4. I stand with you on both the avocado issue and Gene Wilder.

    Congrats on being one step closer to getting into your new house! I’m meeting with Realtor #3 tomorrow about the sale of mine. Realtor #2 bailed on me and didn’t think the house was worth putting on the market (even though she’s never been inside it!) and from Realtor #1 I learned that there are buyers who might want to buy the house AND THE FURNITURE so I don’t have to empty the place out before doing anything else!

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  5. I knew what a courgette was and also I love pistachios but I don’t appreciate all this substituting people do with food. For crap’s sake, it’s like with this meat substitution they’ve been doing for health and ecological reasons. If you want meat, eat meat, if you don’t, eat a courgette! Know what I’m saying?

    Or when McDonald’s is trying to sell healthy food. That’s not their purpose in life. Perhaps people could just go to McD’s less often instead of trying to imitate health buy selecting from a menu of sub-par food drizzled with too much sauce or whatever… McDonald’s is for eating crap, but it’s not supposed to be a daily event.

    Sorry (rant over). 😀

    I get you’re anxious to move, Mark, but think of the overlap as taking stress away from you and Tara. I know you’re paying extra but you’ll be able to move the stuff later, after you painted, rather than move it in and then move it around to accommodate the work you want to do.

    It’ll all work out fine. Good luck!

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    1. You nailed it with McDonald’s. I think that’s one reason why the McSalad didn’t last. There was no McFooling most people. You’re just substituting one unhealthy food for a slightly less unhealthy food. And I’m not bagging on McDonald’s. I’ve been craving a Filet O’ Fish and will need to go soon to get that out of my system. It’s been years.

      The overlap worked well for us in Rapid City, and it’ll be good here. too.

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    2. Ironically, all those meat substitutes are often not even any healthier or more ecologically friendly because they’re so processed and crammed full of other ingredients. It’s very misleading and frustrating.

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  7. Congrats on getting closer to moving in! I’m exited for you and I don’t even know you!

    Beware of my tragic story of avocados in my household. I, too, love them. My husband can’t eat them. He grew up in Mexico and had avocado trees in his backyard; spent his childhood stepping on them in bare feet. He says smooshed avocados make him think of toes. And yet my love for them perseveres. I guess that’s a story of triumph over tragedy.

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    1. That’s maybe the most bizarrely visceral reaction I’ve ever heard to disliking a particular food, ha! But I’m glad you’re still able to enjoy them while maintaining a presumably healthy marriage.

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      3. Hey now. Inclusivity is the way to go in the real world, but, when it comes to important things like this, you must choose a side. Space is binary! (Don’t tell the ghost of Roddenberry I said that.)

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  8. Living, as I do in the Avocado Capital of the U.S., I love them too. Fortunately, I have several friends with avocado trees in their backyards so I can often get plenty for free when in season. I’ve heard about the dark side of avocado production south of the border too, including that the cartels have taken over a lot of it.

    Excellent news about your house! I understand your desire to have your “stuff” back, as well as not wanting to live as mole people anymore.

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    1. I almost used the term “mole people” in my post, but I’m more of a Tolkien fan, so…

      I envy people who have avocados growing in their backyards. As well as those who have citrus trees growing back there, too. Alas, here in the Midwest, I’ll have to be content with tomatoes. Which isn’t a terrible compromise at all.

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  9. Interesting facts about avocado growing. I did not know they require tons of water. I do not want them to go away though as I’m quite fond of them. Perhaps someone should have been collecting all that ice melt from the event and channeling it to a few avocado trees…

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  10. Ain’t that the pits?! Very funny! Any chance the first topic of your post and the 3rd topic of your post are related? 🙂

    That is so cool about your house closing. I think that is totally worth being Veruca Salt for! The earlier the better – then you won’t be there when they traipse people through your apartment and all the more ready to be all settled when spring and summer come! Wuhoo!

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  11. Any chance the first topic of your post and the 3rd topic of your post are related?

    Astute observation. I’m sure they are. So now I have to ask myself, what’s more important: guacamole or a really cool ice castle?! Tough choice…

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  12. Kale, the most noxious weed on earth.
    And hummus. It looks (and tastes) like something my cat regurgitated.
    As for avocados, I like guac but could easily give them up to save the planet. I’m team butter on toast all the way.
    Glad the appraisal went well. The anticipation of moving into a new house is such a great feeling… I almost envy you.
    Sorry about the ice festival. We’re having the same issues here… no ice fishing because there’s no ice.
    😟

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  13. I eat at least a half an avocado per day. Not giving that up! I’m happy to give up Lima beans (aka sand filled skin pods) forever. Toss in some stringy apricots with those nasty beans.

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    1. “Sand filled skin pods” has me chuckling. So weird, and yet, so aptly descriptive! I used to think I hated lima beans, too. But then we ate them during National Lima Bean Day when doing our year-long food challenge and they weren’t nearly as bad as I’d remembered.

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  14. I love avocadoes and guac and hate all melons, including watermelon! I prefer no snow in the lowlands but want plenty in the mountains. Our snowpack is important for summer water needs! I’m not sure how that’s going this year. It seems like everyplace is having weird weather. 😦

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    1. Awesome – a fellow melon hater! I get so much grief over that, it’s unreal. Nice to find somebody else who shares my distaste for them.

      Where do you live? Somewhere on the west coast, I’m guessing.

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    1. I like Johnny Depp in a lot of roles, but nobody can top Gene Wilder as Willy Wonka. The man was born to play that role.

      Avocado Drive! Love it. Although if the backlash continues, you may find yourself living on Fava Bean Road soon.

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  16. sorry about ice castles and I feel bad for that business – and for some of the ski resorts that have been hurting this year
    –
    and I have heard the same bad news about the guacamole industry – was it related to all those gen Zers eating $15.00 avocado smeared on toast ? or is it because so many vegans cannot get enough fat and so they assume avocado can meet more of those brain needs –
    many reasons for the increased demand and I understand that you love it and no way will a bean spread replace real guac
    and with that said – I don’t really eat guac or avocados anymore – think I got burned out a while back – and was at a place where we had burgers and all these toppings were free – and. I just did not want any of the green guac or plain avocado spreads – so I can take it or leave it right now

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    1. I feel like any business that relies on snow for revenue is going to be hurting from now on. I’m sure there will be good years and bad years, but always uncertainty.

      As much as I love guacamole, it’s rarely something I add to a burger.

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  18. Another vote here for eliminating mushrooms. They’re disgusting.

    On the other hand, avocados are one of my favorites and I, too, refuse to give them up. The reality is, everything we do has a carbon footprint. Am I also going to stop hiking and traveling because of it? Of course not. But I do take steps to reduce my impact in other areas of my life (I take public transit to work, for example). I feel like there has to be a balance between being green and being miserable.

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  19. It seems that every food I really like goes through the environmental problem phase- a while ago it was almonds, now avacado. Like you said – we better figure this crap out because like you said, foods are good and so is a sustainable living! I own two Prius, so hopefully that gives me a little credit in the meantime?
    A food I hate: marshmallow ( if that even counts)
    Best Wonka: 😬

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    1. I coveted a Prius for a long time, but ended up with a Mazda instead. I like the newly designed 2023 model. Looks a lot sportier than some of the past versions.

      I was going to say, the TRUE best Willy Wonka is probably Roald Dahl’s version in the novel, ha.

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  20. Have you ever had avocado toast with an over easy egg on top? OMG. That is probably not helping the environment. Also, given how much eggs cost nowadays, that sentence made me appear rather cosmopolitan.

    I would eliminate mushrooms and squash. I mean, the name alone…squash? It begs to be destroyed.

    I despise the fact that they ever made a remake of that movie.

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    1. I love a good avocado toast, but can’t say I’ve ever had an egg on top. It sounds amazing. I’m down!

      So much mushroom hate. I guess that’s surprising to me. My mom “claims” to hate mushrooms, but the rest of the family loved them, and I never saw her actively avoid them.

      Unnecessary remakes are the worst. It’s just Hollywood being lazy.

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  21. You can have my share of the world’s avocados because yuck.🤢 There are a number of foods I don’t like (texture is a big deal for me) but I’m not sure that I would ban any of them. I’m not really a Willy Wonka fan, but of the two I prefer Gene Wilder. The Johnny Depp version is just creepy.

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  22. Guacamoles made out of those other ingredients aren’t guacamoles. They’re dips.

    That was bad marketing, by the way. They should have kept your money, rebranded the event, and said, “Come on out to see Modern Art Ice.” (Think of how popular Dali’s melting clock is.)

    Gene Wilder. Hands down.

    Revolting foods: raisins, liver, mussels/oysters, and the king of disgusting “foods,” mayonnaise.

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    1. By jove, you’re a marketing genius. There was a Stonehenge replica made out of ice (called, wait for it…Icehenge) in Lake Mills, just a short distance from home, last weekend. I looked it up yesterday to see if it was still around, but they’ve got it roped off now because it’s melting. “No sense in seeing it now,” I said to myself, but with a little creative rebranding like you’ve mentioned, I might have been down for the experience. Look what they’ve done with Immersive Van Gogh!

      Mayo, huh? I would agree if you said Miracle Whip maybe.

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  23. I’m not a fan of avocados because they’re like eating a stick of butter, except they’re supposedly healthy, but I don’t buy into that because avocados are all fat… like butter. Watermelons, on the other hand, I like very much. Juicy, no fat, nice color

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  24. Oh, I’m team avocado! I just purchased some this weekend and made an amazing Spicy Avocado Ranch Dip, and the ‘cado’s were a buck a piece!
    I can’t think of anything I despise in the produce department…
    Veruca, I’m glad you are moving forward and will be in your new home sooner than later! Gene Wilder was the best Willy Wonka, but Johnny also had some excellent moments. “Mumbler!”

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