I read recently that avocados are falling out of favor with chefs because they are an unsustainable fruit that has a large carbon footprint, requires a ton of water, and contributes to deforestation.
Ain’t that the pits.
Look, I’m all for saving the earth and protecting our natural resources. But if you expect me to give them up and guac away, you’ll have to pry that avocado from my cold, dead hands.
I love avocados. I eat two a week, on average. More if I’m making my famous guacamole. I’ll recycle extra hard, compost my ass off, install solar panels — hell, I’ll even drive a Prius — in order to compensate for my avocado consumption if I have to. My definition of “going green” means filling my shopping cart with even more avocados.
Some lunatic chefs are coming up with more-sustainable substitutes for avocados. They’re making guacamole out of ingredients like fava beans, blanched peas, pistachios and fermented gooseberries, courgette and pumpkin seed paste.
No, no, no, no, no.
NO.
I don’t even know what a courgette is! Sounds like a dog breed.
(I just looked it up. It’s a zucchini. Why didn’t they call it that in the first place?!)
(And it’s still a no.)
I can’t imagine a world void of avocados. What on earth would be put on toast? Butter?! I can already hear the panicked shrieks of 50 million Millennials filling the air.
Avocados are an excellent source of nutrients, including healthy fats and fiber. They contain anti-inflammatory and antioxidant compounds and may help reduce heart disease risk and certain cancers. You can even turn them into a face mask and, voila! Instant fountain of youth. Plus, they’re pretty damn delicious.
I’m sorry, but if we can put a man on the moon, surely we can figure out how to grow an avocado without using 9.5 billion liters of water.
And doesn’t the fact that avocados are a zero-waste food count for something?
Here’s a thought. Let’s ban watermelons instead. The world would be a better place without those gigantic orbs of disgustingness. Fine, they’re more environmentally friendly. I can accept that. But just try making a decent guacamole out of a melon! Can’t do it, huh??
Guacamole made with anything other than avocados would be like oat-free oatmeal. There’s just no such thing.
Yesterday, we received the appraisal on our house. That was the last missing piece and everything checked out just fine (it actually appraised $2,000 higher than what we’re paying), so we can now proceed to closing. We have an appointment scheduled for the morning of Feb. 22, but could close as early as next Thursday if the sellers are willing. I know I am! I’m so impatient to get moved in, Tara has taken to calling me Veruca Salt.
Does that make me a bad egg?
Funny, I wasn’t this anxious when we bought our house in Rapid City. Don’t get me wrong: I was plenty excited then. But this feels bigger and better. I’m just tired of living half-underground. It would be okay if this were a hobbit house, but it’s just an apartment with finicky locks on the doors, a hallway that smells like weed 24/7, and an 80-year-old tree-hating neighbor who confuses gardening implements for kitchen tools.
I miss my stuff. Not just my potato masher, but my weather station and aquarium and a million smaller things I thought nothing of boxing up in the heat of the moment until one day, months later, I wondered why in the hell I ever packed them away for long-term storage.
With the appraisal back and a closing date set, I wasted no time giving our landlord a 30-day notice. Only they don’t allow mid-month terminations, so we’re actually stuck paying through March 31. And we have to put up with strangers traipsing around while they show the place to potential renters. Oh, boy.
It’s fine, though. We’ll need a few weeks’ overlap for painting and moving all our shit. I expect we’ll be fully vacated by the middle of the month regardless.
Remember Ice Castles? The on-again/off-again/on-again event Tara and I had tickets for? Well, it’s off again. This time for good, as yesterday’s email attested.
Thank you for your support of Ice Castles. This winter, Ice Castles has experienced unprecedented weather challenges. Over the last two days, warm temperatures have caused significant damage. Unfortunately, with the continued warm weather forecasted over the next week, the damage is irreparable.
We regret to inform you that Ice Castles Wisconsin is closed for the season.
Please know, we are just as disappointed as you are. Our crew in Wisconsin this year worked tirelessly to rebuild the Castle 3 times this season, but despite our best efforts, the weather this winter is too warm to sustain operations.
Well, crap.
Ironically, this email arrived on a most winterlike day. One that started out with rain, and then bounced around between liquid and frozen precipitation for a couple of hours before the rain and sleet finally decided to just be snow.
But alas, next week we’re looking at temps again in the 40s. And more rain. I guess Ice Castles just wasn’t meant to be this year. It was open for a whopping three or four days, I think. Hope the lucky bastards who got to go enjoyed it as much as I would have.
Do you like avocados? Channeling my contempt for watermelon, is there a food you despise and wouldn’t mind seeing disappear from the face of the earth forever? Who makes a better Willy Wonka, Gene Wilder or Johnny Depp? (Please don’t respond if your answer is anything other than Gene Wilder.)
Mark My Words 
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