I skipped Florida for a brothel instead.

I’m the only member of the marketing department in the office until Thursday. Everybody else on my team is basking in sunny Fort Lauderdale.

Actually, they’re not basking. They’re conferencing. Which makes me feel a little better about being stuck behind. And if I’m being totally honest, I’m not much of a Florida person anyway. Heat, humidity, bugs, and 80-year-olds wearing black socks up to their knees don’t really do it for me.

I wouldn’t mind seeing a manatee, though.

Why am I not there with ‘em? Well, somebody has to hold down the fort, and naturally that falls to the low man on the totem pole, a/k/a, Mark.

I’m okay with that. For starters, I get to park in my boss’s spot right in front of the door without fear of recrimination. I can dress more casually. And, if I happen to roll in a couple of minutes late, who’s going to notice?

(Sadly, I’m punctual to a T. “Late” to me is arriving three minutes early. I guess just knowing I could without worrying about losing my job will have to suffice.)

And, sure, they get Florida this week. But next week, I am traveling to an exotic location of my own for business. That’s right, guys: I’ll be in EASTERN SOUTH DAKOTA from Monday to Wednesday! And, I might actually do a little after-hours basking. Ha!! Who’s having the last laugh now?!

By the way, my status as low-man-on-the-totem-pole is about to come to a crashing halt. We have a new designer starting in two weeks after our old one retired. He’s actually somebody I know. A guy I worked with at Ye Olde Publishing Company. In fact, I might have been instrumental in getting him on board. I’ve never referred anybody for a job before; doing so is risky, because if they miss a few deadlines or end up embezzling millions from the company coffers, you’ll look like an idiot. Granted, you’ll look like more of an idiot if it’s the latter, but still.

I was willing to take that risk for the lure of cold, hard cash.

And okay, I honestly think New Designer Guy will do a bang-up job. I wouldn’t have referred him if I thought he was doing lines of coke in the men’s room.

Heroin’s where it’s at anyway.

I kid. NDG has the very skills CenturyCo was seeking. AND he’s a fellow Broncos fan, so we can put a little heat on the Packers plurality happening in my department. The referral bonus is just that: a bonus. I’d have recommended him even without free money.

NDG can’t start soon enough. Today, I got a request from an employee in Wall to redo a banner that was created in CMYK. Two thoughts:

  1. WTF is CMYK?
  2. Redo it to what?

That request only landed in my inbox because everybody else is in Florida (see above). I had to gently let her down by telling her I wouldn’t even know where to begin. Seriously, I know diddly squat about graphic design. In fact, whenever we’re voting on logos, layouts, or other design pieces, I am always the odd man out. I like the ones everybody else hates. They hate the ones I like. Ergo, I try to stay in my own lane as much as possible.

Writers write. Designers design. And never the twain shall meet.

Tara and I spent the weekend in Deadwood. We did a little drinking and a little gambling. OK, a lot of drinking and a little gambling. But that’s what birthday celebrations are about (and, in my experience, you get a better ROI anyway).

The highlight was the new Brothel museum. Deadwood has a long and storied history of prostitution, which was legal there from 1876 to 1980. Damn the do-gooders for shutting it down, I say! For $15 you get a 45-minute guided tour of a former brothel, with various rooms depicting different eras. We learned the stories of both the working girls and the madams who made (quite a good) living catering to the miners, bankers, journalists, and everyday Joes who paid for the pleasure of their company.

You’ve gotta love Deadwood.

OK, question time! Are you planning on basking anywhere this summer? Have you ever referred anybody for a job, and if so, how’d that work out? Ever been to a brothel? (I don’t expect many answers to that last one!)

55 thoughts on “I skipped Florida for a brothel instead.”

    1. Good ol’ Dilbert, ha!

      I did a double take over the casual use of “whores.” Also, WTF is a cuspidor? That’s as much a mystery to me as this whole CMYK thing…

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      2. I haven’t seen The Simpsons in years. But yes, I googled and learned it’s a spittoon. In which case, that rule seems perfectly reasonable.

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  4. Now that I know I have a free dog sitter I’m going to plan a trip. Thinking Barcelona or Vienna, but I’m considering South Dakota…how often can you go to a brothel that watches your horse

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      1. Ok Punster, I was actually referring to cyan magenta yellow & black which is primarily used with printing where as RGB is for the Web

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  6. That would be quite a place to visit and I would love it, as I enjoy quirky places. When I visited Korea I was disappointed not to make it to Mr. Toilet House, an attraction celebrating the toilet. While there I became a huge fan of Korean toilets in general and interested in finding out their history. However, I ended up at baseball game between the Samsung Lions versus the KT(Korea Telecom) Wiz instead. Eastern South Dakota…hmmm. Not on my bucket list. But have a great time!

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      1. The fancy Korean toilets are like the Japanese ones. They have a control panel! Heated seats, a bidet and all sorts of other functions that I won’t talk about here.

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  8. Well even though you don’t expect an answer, apparently I worked in Deadwood at Pam’s in some past life as I see my name prominently on the list of whores up for grabs. Maybe you and Tara can take a run back there and pick up my money right quick. I’d appreciate it Mark.

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  9. Uh oh, now that you spilled that you and NDG are Bronco fans, I’m going to have to be at least a little upset that you stole Russell Wilson. But since I’m a fair weather fan and the Seahawks haven’t had much fair weather lately, I’m already over being upset about it by this second sentence.

    So glad you and Tara had a lovely time celebrating your birthday. The brothel museum is a little fascinating – and since it’s a profession that has a long history, probably merits a museum!

    I can imagine that holding down the fort while the team is away might have at least one funny story for the next post! Have a great week!

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    1. Tara’s a Broncos fan, too. In fact, for our honeymoon in 2013, we flew to Denver for a game. Peyton Manning kicked the (then Redskins) asses, too! Great time. So much fun.

      I’m not going to lie: I am THRILLED we nabbed Wilson. When all these Aaron Rodgers rumors heated up, I told anybody who would listen that we should go after Wilson instead. I’m so glad our general manager took my advice!

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  10. I’m afraid I have to answer “no” to all three of your questions. Nevertheless, a brothel museum? Wow 😀

    It’s been a while since I went away on holiday. I’ve become adept at a few days away – generally weekends – but the lugging of suitcases is just too far from my idea of enjoyment. It’s not helped by the fact that I’ve added significantly to the number of bags to be lugged since becoming a keen photographer, so it’s very much my own fault 🙂 I also like to know that I’m going to find a good firm bed on arrival, which is by no means guaranteed.

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    1. That’s the nice thing about a one-night getaway: the only thing I had to lug was a lightweight duffel bag. Didn’t even bring the camera as we basically stayed inside bars and casinos the whole time.

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  11. I prefer to bask in the sun in the Spring. We are still debating a summer vacation, which will need to be drivable because spouse refuses to deal with airlines right now. I did refer a friend to a job in college and all she did was bitch about the place, so it didn’t turn out great. I feel like we passed some brothels around Vegas.

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  13. Florida is to be avoided at all costs. The cockroaches there are huge and they FLY. Well done, you.

    I referred a few people. They were excellent and I was thanked repeatedly. No one gave me any money, alas.

    I’m wary of referring companies, though. I have one friend who can go off if she doesn’t like the roofing, HVAC, solar, or floor refinishing companies I’ve recommended.

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    1. I encountered a few flying cockroaches when we lived in Hawaii. Those are the things of nightmares!

      Glad your human referrals worked out. You’re right about companies: it’s so easy for one person to have a negative experience even when yours was excellent. Still, if you need a plumber in Rapid City, I’ve got just the guy for you…

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  14. First of all, (you know it’s bad when a woman starts with that line!) I’ll not have you dissing my state. We aren’t all 80 and wearing knee-high black socks. The median age is 42. 42!!!
    😳😜
    Manatees are effing cool to see; but not sure you’d see one in Fort Lauderdale this time of year. So, good choice.

    We need employees so badly that I think we’re starting an ‘incentive’ program for referrals. I’m sure your NDG will work out just fine and not end up embezzling millions.

    BTW: I learned recently that people ARE doing coke again. I was all “what? I thought that was just in the ’80s!”

    I’ve never been to a brothel, but I’ve met a few wh*res in my life. 😳

    We have a big trip planned to Wyoming next month and I can’t wait!

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    1. I almost added a Suz disclaimer to my Florida rant! I knew you’d weigh in and set the record straight. But, how about those flying cockroaches Autumn mentioned above?!

      I guess, as far as cocaine goes, the classics never go out of style.

      Wyoming’s a great destination! Where are you headed?

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      1. I haven’t seen a flying cockroach since my childhood; maybe they’re only on the East Coast?

        We’re going to a lodge/ranch in Savery, WY. We visited there for Coach’s 50th and dreamt of going back one day with our kids. They call it a ranch, but it’s mostly luxury and that speaks to me. 😳😜

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  16. Are you planning on basking anywhere this summer? I shall bask at home this summer.
    Have you ever referred anybody for a job, and if so, how’d that work out? I have been the refer-ee but never the refer-er. The job was great.
    Ever been to a brothel? I have not been to a brothel, but have known a woman who worked as a call girl.

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      2. Easy! Just substitute “train conductor” for “call girl.” You can write about how she liked giving people rides for money and nobody will bat an eye!

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  19. We have no planned basking for the summer; I think we need to remedy that situation. We drove through Deadwood; I wish we had spent a day or two there. After all, a brothel tour would be hard to resist. I’m also a member of the likes-the-opposite-thing-from-others club – as becomes evident when I chime in on “which book cover should I choose” posts.🤷‍♀️

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