Punctuation Menopause

I have recently been informed that the period is dead.

RIP, period. We hardly knew ye.

Actually, we knew ye for a good long time, but you are as obsolete as rotary telephones and dial-up modems now. Even The Washington Post says so. The younger generation shuns you. You have been demoted to a mere option now, an accessory that adds emphasis but isn’t necessary to the ensemble as a whole. Adding insult to injury, you have been dumped for the line break, which isn’t even punctuation at all, but rather a void. It’s empty space. That has to sting. We’ve gone from debating whether to leave two spaces after you or just one to omitting all spaces because we’re not even using you any more. Today’s youth have fully stopped using the full stop, as you are known in Great Britain. Coolest nickname ever, by the way! I’ll write the rest of this post as the younger generation would, even though it makes me cringe and breaks every grammar rule I have ever been taught.

Dearest period
We have had a long relationship, you and I, but now it is time to part ways
You are no longer relevant, as the simple line break is enough to convey a pause in the conversation
By not bothering with periods, productivity increases 0.00000000000000007%
This certainly provides a boost to the American economy
And look at the extra four seconds a person gains over their lifetime by eliminating your use
Time well spent, I have no doubt
When you do appear, you are feared or misunderstood
Periods are used for emphasis now
They denote anger
Should somebody send a text with a period in it, kids gasp and shudder
Oh no, they think
I’m in trouble now
What did I do, mom?
Or
U mad, bro?
Question marks, in case you are wondering, are alive and well, according to my Millennial colleague, as are exclamation points! and hyphens-it’s only the lowly period we must mourn
And thus, society devolves into anarchy a little bit further every day
As a show of support and to emphasize the importance of proper grammar, I have vowed to start writing out acronyms
LOL is now Laughing Out Loud
ROFLMAO is now Rolling On the Floor Laughing My Ass Off
And I shall spell out your name to end a sentence
In fact, I’ll just start spelling out all punctuation marks because I believe in equality
I’m going to the store period
Do you need anything besides milk question mark
Fear not, my friend
Your legacy is assured with me
Period