This weekend, I was bored. So I did what any self-respecting adult would do in order to pass the time: I created a fake Facebook account for my mom, and whiled away the hours posting witty commentary that could only come from her (well, allegedly). I even “liked” her favorite things (Say Yes to the Dress, Cheez-It’s, wine), utilized her favorite quotations (“Nobody puts baby in the corner!”), posted family photos from the 1970s, and shared a Barbra Streisand video. Not only that, I made my mom sassy and cool. She was utilizing hashtags and defending Ozzy Osbourne as a better lead singer for Black Sabbath than Ronnie James Dio. Best (worst?) of all, I was having conversations back and forth with myself.
Once I got going, I couldn’t stop. I got so caught up in my own prank, I started to believe it myself. At one point I rushed into the bedroom and breathlessly told Tara, “You should see what my mom just posted on Facebook!” My wife looked at me as though I had lost my marbles.
“You are your mom,” she reminded me.
“How existential,” I replied.
“No, I mean that literally. You’re pretending to be her. Remember?”
I knew my mom would find out eventually, so I milked it for all it was worth. I purposely didn’t have her “friend” any of her immediate family members (siblings, grandkids) but when I woke up this morning and checked her account, she had 9 friend requests! My mom’s a popular person, what can I say?
Mid-afternoon Sunday, I got the inevitable email I knew was coming. How can I be on Facebook? my mom wondered. Uh-oh. Yeah, about that, ma…
So it was time to come clean in public.
At which point a friend said You’re going to hell, a sentiment backed up by my aunt, who wrote, I called my sister up wondering why she didn’t accept my friend request, wondering if it was something I said or did. Yeah, straight to hell, Mark.
So, that pretty much sums up my weekend: I booked a one-way ticket to Hell. What exciting things did you do?!
In reality, I wasn’t all that bored. Saturday morning we hit the farmer’s market for some fresh produce. Now that it’s June, there are lots of good things to be found, other than asparagus and more asparagus. Like cherries, strawberries, apricots, raspberries, tomatoes, and more. Afterwards, I ended up cleaning the garage, a task we had been putting off since moving in. I even found a couple of things that had been missing since the move including a wine rack and a clock. Now we have a place to store our wine, and a quick glance will tell us not only whether it’s 5:00 somewhere, but if it’s 5:00 here. So we can open said bottles of wine. That, my friends, is the circle of life.
Sunday was a fairly lazy day. Tara went into work, and I actually worked on my long-gestating follow-up novel. I’ll be the first to admit the writing has been slow going, but it’s hard when you write all day for a living, and then write blog posts about all the writing you do. The last thing in the world you want to do is more writing. Last year the wifey and I made a pact: we would devote Sunday mornings to writing. She’d do blog posts, I’d work on my book. Given that her last blog entry was in December and I hadn’t touched the novel since March, you can see how well that plan is working out for us. But one day, I’ll get that book finished. Come hell or high water.
Which, apparently, is a very real concern for me now…