How is it that, despite being on a mostly-deserted section of the fourth floor, tucked away in a remote corner, my chair keeps disappearing every night?
Seriously: there’s nobody else there.
All I know is, I came to work one day and discovered a new chair where my old one had been. A new chair that was nowhere near as comfortable as my old chair. So, I had to scout around for a replacement…only to find that one had absconded of its own accord too – the very next day.
Naturally, my first thought was poltergeist. I mean, it’s the only sound and reasonable explanation I’ve got. It’s not like these chairs got up and walked away on their own.
Or did they…?!
I suppose there’s also a remote possibility that some other human on a more-occupied section of the fourth floor loved my chairs so much he/she had to have them for him/herself. One to sit on and another to serve as a footrest? The human psyche is a strange beast.
In any case, desperate times call for desperate measures. I marched up to my old stomping grounds on the sixth floor and grabbed a few supplies so I could rig up a low-tech anti-theft device. When our executive assistant (I want to disguise his real name, so I’ll call him Day-vid) found out what I was up to, he said, “Don’t make it too threatening, okay?”
“What do you think I’m going to write, Touch My Chair and DIE!?” I responded with a chuckle.
(I was totally going to write, Touch My Chair and DIE!, but alas, was forced to make a last-minute edit.)
Honestly, I think I overcompensated by adding that Thank you! at the end. Why am I being polite to a common criminal?! Fortunately it’s in cursive, so if my chair thief is a Millennial or younger, he/she will never be able to decipher the cryptogram.
All I know is, the deterrent seems to be working, because the next day my new new chair (third time’s the charm, baby!) was still parked by my desk, awaiting my arrival.
Score one for the little guy.
A very costly mistake.
This weekend, we finally added new fish to our pond. You might recall we neglected our koi last winter and they all turned into fish popsicles. You know how people sometimes say “that’s a costly mistake”? Well, kids: that was a costly mistake, because holy cow, have you priced koi lately?!
You probably have not, so I’ll just tell you: those suckers are not cheap. The least expensive ones started out at $17.98 apiece, while the top-of-the-line models go for $75. Considering we lost 22 fish over the winter…ouch. I refuse to even do the math ’cause I’ll probably cry.
I was in no mood to spend $75 per fish. Hell, I was in no mood to spend $17.98 per fish. We ditched the koi idea completely and went with goldfish instead – which still set us back $12.98 apiece, but that pill was a little easier to swallow.
Until Tara decided she wanted 10 of them.
Which, okay: go big or go home. I get it. So yes, we ended up with 10 goldfish in a vibrant assortment of colors and patterns.
We will be investing in an aerator to keep the water moving all winter long, which should keep the pond from freezing solid this time. We’re crossing our fingers these little guys make it, because I can’t afford any more costly lessons.
Mark My Words 
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