As promised, here’s the topic that received the second-highest number of votes on my recent poll: American cheese. I was thrilled that you chose this one, ’cause American cheese holds a very special place in my heart. Yes, I’m serious.
So, let’s dive in!
I sometimes think of myself as a foodie, but realistically speaking, I don’t meet the criteria for one simple fact:
I love American cheese.
No self-respecting gourmand would admit to a love affair with such a heavily processed product. For the uninitiated, like my legions of Bangladeshi readers (and any other foreign visitors) wondering what American cheese is, it’s easier to explain what it isn’t: cheese. At least technically not, according to the FDA. They call it a “pasteurized process cheese,” which must only contain a minimum of 51% real cheese. The rest can include a combination of filler ingredients like milk, skim milk, buttermilk, cream, cheese whey, and albumin.
I like to think of American cheese as a pre-sliced riddle wrapped in an enigma wrapped in plastic. But a delicious one.
When contemplating our move to Wisconsin, I was afraid my fondness for American cheese might get me banned from the state. They take this whole “America’s Dairyland” thing seriously, don’tcha know. I pictured border patrol agents stopping the car and searching for individually wrapped Kraft slices, then throwing me in The Clink.
That’s ridiculous, I reassured myself. Nobody calls it “The Clink” anymore!
Luckily, my fears were unfounded. Wisconsinites don’t turn their noses up at American cheese; in fact, some folks even embrace it. One of our favorite local cheese shops – Kraemer Wisconsin Cheese in Watertown – makes their own American cheese you can buy in a block just like your favorite cheddar or gouda. I daresay, it’s even better than Kraft!
Tara, a true cheddar snob, has never understood my obsession with American cheese. “It’s fake!” she says. Keep in mind this is the same woman who thinks nothing of topping a Ritz cracker with Cheez Whiz from an aerosol can. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black!
(Even she has come around to the Kraemer American cheese though.)
The best thing about American cheese – besides its salty, tangy flavor – is its meltability. There’s no better topping for a cheeseburger; cheddar or Monterey Jack or Swiss just sort of half-ass melts, resting atop the patty while glimmering beads of oil dot the surface. American cheese, by contrast, perfectly melts into every nook and cranny, fusing with the burger in a warm, loving embrace that’s almost sensual in nature. This is exactly why it’s the perfect filling for a grilled cheese sandwich, too. Nothing exudes more oozy, cheesy goodness!
But that’s just the tip of the iceberg. My go-to Jack in the Box order was the Monster Taco, a hard shell ground beef taco topped with not one, but two, glorious slices of American cheese. That might sound like an odd combination, but Jack in the Box tacos are better than anything Taco Bell dishes up with their lame shredded cheddar. Yawn.
Don’t even get me started on breakfast sandwiches or cheese toast. If you make yours with anything other than American, I simply can’t take you seriously. This is a divide we will never bridge.
I’m proud to say I’m not the only one who loves American cheese. Food & Wine published a terrific article titled Don’t Be a Snob About American Cheese in which professional food writer Stacey Ballis “scream(s) to the rooftops my unapologetic love for American cheese,” which she calls “a brilliant food.” But my favorite line of all? “If the hypothetical people in charge of such things were to make me choose one cheese only to have for the rest of my natural life, American wins hands down.”
Thank you, Stacey. You get me.
Do you like American cheese? What’s your favorite culinary use for it?
Mark My Words 
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