In my last post, I shared a list of outstanding blog topic ideas and asked y’all to vote on the ones that interested you the most. All of them had been taking up precious digital real estate without ever seeing the light of day. I promised the top three would get their own posts and the rest would be deleted.
Thank you to all who voted! I found this a great way to breathe life into half-formed (at best) ideas. The winners are:
- I’m a Writer, not a Pronouncer-er
- American Cheese
- Wrong Burner Knobs
Most of the topics got at least one vote (with the exception of cabbage rolls — delicious as they are, they’re not filling enough for a full-course post apparently). I thought it was only fair to at least share a few brief words about each topic that got a vote, so you can see how the wheels in my brain were turning:
- If it Requires Chopsticks, It’s Gotta Be Good: Using these utensils is so damn tricky, if I’m making the effort, it’s something I really like. Here’s lookin’ at you, sushi.
- Ice Fishing: Wildly popular in Wisconsin, but it’s a hard pass for me. I tried it once in high school and after standing over a hole on a frozen lake for two hours, teeth chattering the whole time (and going home trout-less), I decided there are a million better and warmer ways to spend my time.
- Motion Activated: Have you ever walked into a door you assumed would open automatically or waved your hands beneath a faucet waiting for water that never comes? I have. It’s embarrassing, painful, and unhygienic. Sometimes all three.
- No Soup for You: I hate when established companies change their names. Kentucky Fried Chicken is a thousand times more descriptive than KFC, Dunkin’ without Donuts is just a basketball move, and Andy Warhol is probably rolling over in his grave now that Campbell’s has dropped Soup from its name.
- Gross Talk Doesn’t Bother Me While Eating: A lot of people are repulsed when gross topics come up while eating. Not me! Go ahead and talk about how the cat puked all over your shoes or that weeping open sore on your elbow; I’ll continue to enjoy my linguine carbonara.
Hey, that was kinda fun! I should make my blog interactive more often.
Someone left a comment asking why I don’t just write about them all, and while I could probably flesh out full posts if I had to, what I’ve written above pretty much sums up all I had to say. But combining these fragments makes a cohesive whole.
Groovy, man.
So, without further ado, here’s the idea that got the most votes for a full-fledged blog post. You asked, I’m delivering!
I’m a fairly decent writer, but my pronunciation skills are often lacking. I remember leafing through the racks of a bookstore once, when I was 13 or so, and plucking a copy of Stephen King’s Danse Macabre from the shelf.
“What do you have there?” my brother asked.
“Danse Ma-ca-bray,” I said.
“You mean Danse Ma-cobb,” Scott, who is two years younger, corrected me.
At least I got the danse part right. Sheesh. How you get “ma-cobb” from macabre is a mystery that eludes me to this day, guys. And explains why I both love and loathe the English language.
(I can’t be the only one who incorrectly assumed quinoa was “kwi-noah” and not “keen-wah.”)
I still make pronunciation faux pas (not “fox paws,” by the way) to this day…but instead of my brother correcting me, it’s Tara. (To be fair, she stumbles over the occasional word, too – ethereal is not “etha-real”, babe – but by and large she has a better command of pronunciation than I do.)
To wit: she jumped all over me when I wrote a post about joie de vivre but pronounced it “jwah-de-veever,” like it rhymed with “beaver.” I feel like I deserve a bit of grace for that snafu, given that my familiarity with French is limited to fries and onion soup.
I have no excuse for screwing up guffaw though. When Tara heard me pronounce this word like it rhymed with “duffle” rather than “gu-faw,” she let out a loud and boisterous laugh. That’s right: she guffawed at my guffaw gaffe.
Sometimes, I even add extra syllables to a word. Pueblo is a great example. All my life I’d been calling it “poo-ebb-low”, but Tara recently informed me it should be “pweh-blow.” Whoopsie. I’m just glad I’ve never lived in the Desert Southwest, where I might actually run across one of these Native American dwellings. I’d hate to suffer an indigenous indignity like that!
But, hey: I can pronounce Worcestershire correctly — a word that mystifies a large segment of the population. I consider that a victory.
All these mispronunciations are embarrassing for a so-called professional like me, but I have long ago come to terms with the fact that I’m a writer, not a pronouncer-er. I’m a-gonna stay in that lane and let the Taras of the world straighten me out whenever I butcher words out loud.
Is there a word you have trouble pronouncing? Got any ideas you haven’t been able to turn into blog posts?
Mark My Words 
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