Last Thursday I was sitting on the deck with my parents and we were chatting casually. The topic eventually turned to murder, as it does. Lest you think I’m some kind of sociopath, our conversation veered off in this strange direction because of the t-shirt I was wearing.
I love this shirt because it’s both hilarious and true. While researching No Time for Kings, I was half-expecting black helicopters to appear over my house due to my Google search history. I suspect any writer with an internet connection and a plot that involves criminal activity suffers from the same paranoia.
OK, look: I don’t harbor any deep, dark secrets. I’m just a happy-go-lucky Sconnie living my best life. There are no bodies buried on my property (other than a possum) – at least to my knowledge. But given my obsession with Dateline NBC and various true crime podcasts, I have a pretty good idea of how to get away with murder – or at least, prevent the types of mistakes that undo so many killers.
Specifically, I told my folks, stupid criminals trip themselves up by making the following mistakes:
- Cellphones. People either leave them on when disposing of bodies, where they ping off various cell towers along the way, leaving a trail of digital breadcrumbs – or they turn them off. The latter seems like the smart move, but if you always leave your phone on, then turn it off one time for a few hours that just happen to overlap with when the crime occurred, you might as well hang a GUILTY sign around your neck. If you want to dodge suspicion, make it a habit to regularly turn your phone off for long stretches at a time starting months in advance. Or better yet, just leave the damn thing home.
- Staged Burglaries. A lot of killers try to make it look like a burglary gone wrong – but they half-ass it. They might open a few drawers and rifle through the contents, but hardly ever take anything of value. Like, there might be a wallet full of cash on the nightstand, or expensive jewelry, maybe a high-end laptop…but they’ll pocket something stupid, like a remote control or an ashtray, if they take anything at all. Burgle the place for real if you want to cover up your true intentions!
- Fake Domestic Bliss. A husband or wife is always the main suspect when their spouse is murdered, so don’t try to pretend you were all lovey-dovey if your relationship was on the rocks. If you’ve had an affair, engaged in an angry back-and-forth text exchange, or argued loudly enough for the neighbors to hear, the cops will uncover that, even if you’ve “deleted” all the incriminating evidence. Best to ‘fess up if your marriage was falling apart; at least it won’t look like you’re hiding something.
- Blabbing All Over Town. No marriage is perfect, but if you step onto the front porch to retrieve the newspaper and bump into the milkman (let’s pretend this is 1955), don’t tell him you’d be “better off without that bitch.” Likewise, don’t tell your mechanic you’ve always wondered how to make a car’s brakes fail, and never, ever ask Chip in accounting if he knows where one might procure the services of a hitman. Loose lips sink ships.
Oh, and one more piece of advice. If you did it, don’t write a book titled, If I Did It: Confessions of the Killer. You’d have to be a total dumbass.
I knew this already, but Facebook reminded me that our family reunion took place one year ago today. How great it was to host a gaggle of family members, some of whom I hadn’t seen in many years, in our backyard. I remember excellent conversation, great food, and – much to my amazement – kicking my dad’s ass at corn hole. (I went 2-5 against him during last week’s visit, which is two games more than I thought I’d win.)
Those Facebook memories are fun to look at, but they often leave me feeling inadequate. Other notable events on this day in Mark’s history:
So, other September 9ths have included road trips to Nevada, outdoor music festivals, and Oregon coast getaways. Not to mention seafood, which appears to be a recurring theme.
I’m glad I did so many fun things on this day in the past, but it just makes today obviously and glaringly lame in contrast. I made a bowl of oatmeal! I posted a save-the-date for a CheeseGov career fair on LinkedIn! I scooped two litter boxes! Safe to say I won’t be posting any of that on Facebook, so at least next Sep. 9th I won’t be pining for this Sep. 9th.
My god, does this mean I’ve already peaked?! Are my best September 9ths behind me now? Will every ensuing Sep. 9 be an irreversible slide toward mediocrity?
I might be the only person in the world jealous of his own self.
Mark My Words 
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