I’m sure you’ll recall my recent mosquito rant. It seemed like every time I went outside, I’d return with literally dozens of bites. I began to take drastic steps to combat this. My dad always wants to play corn hole (bags) whenever he visits, for instance, and I didn’t want to deny him his fun, so despite the heat I covered as much of my body as possible to prevent those suckers from biting me.
There’s no such thing as overkill when you’re suffering.
No matter what I did, I couldn’t seem to prevent those damn mosquitoes from biting me. Even dousing myself liberally in Deep Woods OFF! wasn’t doing the trick.
“That’s not normal,” I said.
I just figured for whatever reason, ‘skeeters loved the taste of my blood. Tara does say I’m a pretty sweet guy most times, so.
Those mosquito bites, though. They itched like nothing I’d ever experienced. It was maddening. I’d awake in the middle of the night, my skin prickly and tingling, wanting nothing more than to scratchscratchscratch, but settling instead for OTC topical itch lotion that did little to quell the agony. There was never a moment, not a single second, without intense itchiness. It was (and still is) ever-present.
“That’s not normal,” my mom said.
As the days passed, those bites turned into a swollen, fiery red rash.
“That’s not normal,” Tara said.
At this point I was forced to concur, so I did some internet sleuthing to figure out what was going on. Turns out poison ivy is what’s going on.
POISON IVY.
Which, oddly, was a bit of a relief. My mind had been drifting toward dark places. Maybe the bites had become infected. What are the symptoms of West Nile Virus, anyway? At one point I actually thought gangrene was setting in and my arm would need to be amputated. I was envisioning a world of left-handed corn hole, and it wasn’t pretty. The fact that it was “only” a poison ivy rash helped me breathe a little more easily.
Except for the fact that it’s a poison ivy rash. On my arm, my wrist, my thigh. All on the right side, too. It’s obvious I walked through or brushed against a patch. But where? And when?
That’s when our neighbor Brian’s words came back to me.
“You’ve got poison ivy on your property,” he’d warned us the first time we met.
Armed with my PlantNet app and the wisdom of my Cub Scout elders, who had drummed into me the old saying leaves of three, let it be, I scoured our yard in search of the offender(s). It didn’t take me long to find the devil weed.
It’s not just in one spot. It’s in several. On the side of the garage. Next to the back stoop. In scattered patches on the west side of our property. It’s growing amidst other, more innocent flora, making it difficult to spot if you aren’t paying attention.
Son of a bitch.
All I can do at this point is apply calamine lotion and suffer through it. Poison ivy can last as long as three weeks, especially if you’ve never had it before, so I might not even be halfway through this sheer torture. 0/10, would not recommend.
We do have mosquitoes, of course, and I’ve gotten a few bites. But the OFF! does a good job of deterring them, and those bites disappear after a few days. I never thought I’d welcome a good ol’ fashioned mosquito bite, but compared to poison ivy, they’re a picnic.
Maddening rashes aside, it’s been a great visit with my folks. We’ve done some sightseeing – the Dane County farmers market in Madison, a couple of wineries, cocktails at the American Legion along the Rock River – and have enjoyed evenings on the deck with wine and music as the sun sinks low in the sky. It’s been warm but not too hot and barely a cloud in the sky the entire time. Which does not bode well as we have turned bone dry, so hopefully we’ll get some rain soon. Our yard still looks lush and green, at least.
Today I am smoking a brisket and Tara’s gardening, while my parents head into Cambridge for a Memorial Day parade and lunch. I’ll be making myself a Bloody Mary, I’m sure, as that’s my kickin’-it holiday tradition.
Hope y’all have a great Memorial Day, or if you’re in another country, a great whatever day!
Have you ever dealt with poison ivy before? Got any suggestions to deal with the itchiness? What are you doing to celebrate the holiday?
Mark My Words 
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