For years, I’ve had a love/hate relationship with dandelions. Admittedly, it was light on love.
OK, fine. A hate/hate relationship. Whatevs.
I don’t want to be dramatic and say dandelions were the bane of my existence, but then again, subtlety has never been my strong suit. Let’s just say I devoted a lot of time to pulling them out of the ground, only to watch them reappear, often in the very same holes from which they had been dug mere hours earlier. It’s as though they were taunting me with their invincibility. If human limbs regenerated as quickly as dandelion tap roots, we could singlehandedly put every prosthetic manufacturer out of business. That’s a good thing. Have you priced artificial limbs lately? They cost an arm and a leg!
Last year, I declared I would let them grow willy-nilly. My resolve crumbled half a day later, when it became apparent our yard would be the only one on the block with dandelions growing wild. Tara didn’t want to be those people.
What can I say? Keeping up with the Joneses is hard work! Besides, the WordPress community mostly shared my sentiment, according to a poll on my blog.
Granted, the anti-dandelion contingent didn’t win in a landslide, but it was enough to satisfy me. I stuck to my guns and continued ridding them from my yard.
But this year, I’ve adopted a new mantra: peace, love, and dandelions. Screw the Joneses and their perfectly manicured weed-free yards! I’m letting my dandelions grow as they please. The beneficial insects and pollinators will thank me. So too will my soil, all nutrient-rich and aerated thanks to these guys. My lower back is happiest of all: no more stooping over to yank living things out of the ground.
Will we raise the ire of our neighbors? Perhaps. Do I give a damn? Nope. If they complain, I’ll just say, when life hands you dandelions, make dandelion wine.
Speaking of, anyone have a recipe?
Is it just me, or is the news getting weirder these days?
Yesterday, a man from Fond du Lac, Wisconsin, celebrated 50 years of eating Big Macs. I don’t mean he’s been stopping by the Golden Arches a few times a year for half a century; ain’t nothin’ special ’bout that. Don Gorske has been eating Big Macs every single day for 50 years. As of last December, that translates to 32,672 Big Macs over the course of a lifetime—enough to earn him an entry in the Guinness Book of World Records.
Holy cow! Or holy 14 cows, to be precise. The average cow yields 730 lbs., or 11,680 ounces, of beef. Each Big Mac contains two 1.6-ounce patties, which means you’ll get 2,336 Big Macs out of Bessie. So, if you divide 32,672 by 2,336, you’ll find that Don has singlehandedly consumed 13.986 cows since embarking upon this quest on May 17, 1972. The most amazing thing about this? The fact that I figured out the math myself! Let’s just say I’ve always been a word guy. Numbers are hard.
But also, I guess we can applaud his McCommitment? Or marvel over his iron McStomach, and the fact that he hasn’t dropped dead yet. Morgan Spurlock couldn’t go 30 days without experiencing serious health consequences stemming from a monthlong McDiet. Speaking of, Don Gorske appeared in Super Size Me. Probably walked off the set calling Morgan a McWuss.
This wasn’t the only odd article to catch my attention in recent days. Vandals shot up a water tower in Kingsland, Arkansas, last week. Nothing unusual about that: guns and the Deep South go together like two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, and onions on a sesame seed bun. Just ask Don Gorske! The weird part was, this water tower featured a mural of the Man in Black himself, Johnny Cash. And the gun-toting hooligan’s aim was uncanny.
Talk about walking the line. That just burns, burns, burns. Poor ol’ Johnny would be pretty pissed if he’d been around to witness this news leak. If you think shooting a man in Reno just to watch him die is harsh, imagine what JC would do to the fella that decided to “stream” his music without consent.
Urine a lot of trouble, pal.
Mark My Words 
I love my dandies!
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I hate dandelions but they win the battle every time. I just read an article that said if you mow them often? They grow shorter stems to spite you. Talk about a weed with attitude, damn!
As for the water tower I have to ask, was he aiming fur Johnny’s johnson?
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I’d never heard that before. Talk about survival of the fittest! Mad respect, yo.
Too bad it wasn’t Jerry Lee Lewis up on that water tower. They could’ve aimed for his great balls of fire.
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Aren’t dandelion greens edible, as long as they aren’t covered in chemical herbicides? Just tell the neighbors Tara has simply expanded the garden and invite them over for salad as long as they bring the steaks.
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Yes, they are. And that’s a brilliant idea! I’m salivating over the idea of a nice, juicy ribeye now.
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Yay for dandelions: I’d much rather keep the bees happy than the neighbors. I wonder how the guy got started with his Big Mac habit… did he eat them for a couple of weeks, then decide to try to keep his streak going? I think there are some things worthy of dedicating your life too (making bees happy, for instance) but eating all that crap-ola every day for 50 years? Nope.
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It is a very odd quest to embark upon. Most people collect stamps or coins or baseball cards, not clogged arteries. Although, he seems to be in good health. Go figure!
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Okay, well done on the Cash puns. I couldn’t even roll my eyes they were so good. Big Mac guy is gross. How’s his health? I wouldn’t care about the neighbors either, but I might still invest in one of those weed pulling poles that make it easy without having to bend over. They look like they might even make weed pulling fun. The mike drop image made me lol.
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He says people kept warning him he’d keel over years ago, but he’s in pretty decent shape because he exercises a lot. I wouldn’t be surprised if he made it to the McCentury mark at this point!
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Wow. Well, good for him, I guess. Still gross, though. You’d think he’d get tired of them too. Guess not. The things people do to get into that book.
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I know! Remember when Bobby and Cindy Brady tried to set a seesaw record but fell asleep on the teeter-totter?
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I do like a well placed mike drop. Dandelions…..we tend to just mow them down, but if they are on the edge of the driveway, I’ll pull them. Getting to the root is nearly impossible, though! Unreal about the water tower. Hope there were cameras.
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That taproot is resilient as all get out. In the past, I’ve sworn I’ve gotten the whole thing dug up, only to find I was wrong just a few hours later.
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News is totally getting weirder these days…I get news highlights on my phone, mainly from reputable sources, and I just can’t even….today, from I think Newsweek, I got “internet backs son whose mom and stepdad bought house with his inheritance “ and “woman charged 40$ for crying during doctor appointment “
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Sounds like a judge on the take if you ask me. And one very entitled guy.
Oh, and a very masochistic doctor.
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The doctor one got to me…they included the bill in the article. Can you imagine?
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No! That’s just crazy.
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I’d be lion if I said that wasn’t a dandy post.
I don’t care about weeds in my lawn, but I do care about weeds in my flower beds. We get some dandelions in there, but those easy to rip out compared to “devil weed.” Devil weed is like a really long grass with really deep roots that propagates like mad. There are whole blogs/ gardening episodes of various shows devoted to trying to outsmart that thing.
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With a name like devil weed, it’s gotta be evil. I googled it and see that it’s native to Oahu, so I’m sure I’ve come across it in my time.
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I didn’t know that Mr. and Mrs. Jones hated dandelions– and now I think less of them. What did a dandelion ever do to them, other than to add some lovely yellow to a world that could use some joy?
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I think they’re worried that the dandelions will go to seed, the wind will blow them into their yard, and they’ll have to dig them out by hand. Too bad, so sad!
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I like dandelions but not in my yard. They are cheery! I can’t imagine eating that many Big Macs or even one. I haven’t been to a fast-food hamburger restaurant for decades. Never liked them.
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On the rare occasions I hit up McDonald’s, I’m there for a Sausage McMuffin. Can’t remember the last time I had a Big Mac. Probably only a couple of times in my life.
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Without dandelions there would be no clocks for children (and child-like adults) to blow. You stick to your guns – your lower back will thank you!
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No wonder I’m sparing them now. I’m definitely a child-like adult!
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I love your posts, Mark. In fact, I think you should host the Daily Show. I’d sign up for getting my news from you!
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Oh, boy. You’re very kind to say that. I’d have some pretty big shoes to fill!
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It’s funny: why to we love it when there are vast fields of tulips or lavender, and when it’s dandelions we feel they’re weeds? 😀
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Yes!! This. We have such weird notions about what constitutes beauty these days.
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How very Wisconsin. Are you sure you wanna vacation there?
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You betcha. The Badger State seems very appealing.
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So many puns. So little thyme.
You are helping the bees. THEY LOVE DANDELIONS.
I haven’t had Mcdonald’s in almost 7 years, and I’m happy about that. Everyday? ughhh…makes my stomach turn, and it curls my sideburns just thinking about it.
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I like a good McMuffin or McRib. Yes, I’m serious about that last one. Can’t remember when I last had a Big Mac. Probably as a teenager!
I knew you’d appreciate my pro-bee stance.
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My dude, can I just say that dandelions are one of the most versatile edible plants out there.
You can eat the flowers, you can eat the stems and leaves, and you can eat the roots.
Roasted dandelion root makes a delicious coffee like concoction. The leaves are excellent when blanched and sauteed like spinach. The flowers can be dried and made into tea.
But to answer your question about the wine: the Spruce Eats does have a great recipe for you to try: https://www.thespruceeats.com/how-to-make-dandelion-wine-1327932
However, to make the recipe, you’re going to need to grow a whole lot more dandelions in your yard.
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Two quarts of dandelions and two years of fermentation time. Now, that’s a commitment! Thanks for all the tips and the recipe link.
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Numbers *are* hard. I sucked at math. My mother was a math teacher. Fun times were had by all. (Not.)
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Thank god my mom wasn’t a math teacher. I couldn’t live with the soul-crushing disappointment she’d surely have experienced.
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I’ve had pretty good luck in the dandelions battle, but I get to them early before they go nuts and use a dandelion weeder (fishtail weeder) to go deep. And I’ll mow the curb strip of my neighbor to the north before hers go to seed – saves me a lot of work later.
You were really Cashing in on the puns there. And I’m not even pissed.
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I have one of those weeders, too. But even using that isn’t a guarantee you’ll eradicate them completely. At least you’re nice enough to mow your neighbor’s grass in advance!
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