Oh, What a Tangled Web…

After pulling into the parking lot at work today, on the way to the front door I inadvertently walked through a spider web that was hanging between a bush and the front door. This led to a completely natural and understandable response.

Full-on panic.

I started waving my arms around in the air, nearly spilling my coffee in the process, and doing the I-just-walked-through-a-spider-web dance that I’m sure you’ve all done at one point or another. It’s universal, and taps into our collective fear of the eight legged insects. Fortunately, I did not scream like a little girl. This time. And I never did find a spider on me, which is either good or bad depending on your perspective. When I don’t find a spider in those situations I’m relieved at first, but then spend the next hour imagining he is lurking in my hair or beneath my clothing and then I’m itchy for the rest of the day. 

This was my second Close Spider Encounter of the week. A couple of days ago, Tara and I were just settling down to dinner, when she leapt up and let out a yelp. This caused a chain reaction in which I then jumped up from my spot and dashed across the room, plate full of food still in my hand, asking over and over again, “what-what-oh-my-god-what’s-wrong!?”

“I just saw a spider,” she remarked.

Only it wasn’t a spider…it was a daddy longlegs. Whew. Those I don’t mind. They’re harmless! But before I could scoop him up with a newspaper and set him free, Tara grabbed a slipper and squished the poor guy.

“Aww,” I said. “He was just a daddy longlegs. No big deal.”

“You’re right,” she replied. “Thank god it wasn’t a deadly ant.”

I thought that was a particularly low blow, a knock against my own primal fear. Hey, I can’t help it that ants scare the crap out of me! The wife knows how to dig deep, that’s for sure.

It’s funny that spiders strike such fear in humans, especially considering we are proportionately hundreds of times bigger than they are. Sure, there are a few deadly varieties, like black widows and brown recluse, and others can inflict painful bites. But the vast majority are harmless. Of course, that logic flies out the door the minute you feel a sticky web brush against your skin.

{Shudder}.

Incidentally, I was bitten by a spider in my early twenties, when I lived in California. Unlike Peter Parker, I did not develop superhuman strength, speed, or any type of “spidey sense.” Instead, I ended up with a nasty infection on my knee that was not pretty to look at, especially when it burst and drained. Ugh. So at least I have a reason to scream like a little girl when I walk through a web.

Ironically enough, I’ve decorated my cubicle at work for Halloween with – you guessed it – spiderwebs and fake plastic arachnids, among other creepy things. Go figure.

Orange Is The New Black is the New Breaking Bad

Well, not quite – nothing can ever live up to Vince Gilligan’s acclaimed drama (and Sunday nights feel a lot emptier without a weekly dose of Walter White, sniff) – but it is a pretty good show. I’ve always enjoyed books, television shows, and movies centered around prison life; it’s an odd sort of fascination of mine. So when Netflix’s new original series, Orange Is The New Black, debuted a few months ago, I was intrigued. Even more so when it started earning rave reviews. Even more so still when I learned it featured girl-on-girl action. Err, I mean, Peyton Manning’s cousin. It costars Peyton Manning’s cousin! Since we’re paying for Netflix streaming and there are never any good movies to watch (grr), we decided to give this drama about life in a women’s prison a shot. It’s based on a real-life memoir of the same name, and centers around Piper, a perky blonde who got mixed up with illegal drugs ten years earlier, and has been sentenced to 15 months in prison. Her fiance (played by the guy best known for molesting an apple pie onscreen) does his best to cope while she’s on the inside. The show sucked us in immediately. The story is irresistible, and there are lots of interesting subplots and great characters and fantastic acting. It strikes a perfect balance between truly horrific moments and more lighthearted ones.

Plus, did I mention girl-on-girl action?

So we’ve watched every episode but the last (there are 13 total). We’ve been delaying putting that one on for four days now, because – well, it’s the last one. Until sometime in 2014. We might have to wait a year, and that’s agony when you’re into a TV show and you have to wait a long time for new episodes. Hmm, kinda like Breaking Bad! Imagine that. (It could be worse. Louie is in the midst of a two-year hiatus).

Anyway, I think we’re going to break down and watch that final episode tonight. It’s going to have to come to an end soon, regardless. Might as well quit delaying the inevitable.

Now, this will give us an excuse to start watching The Wire. Which I hear is the best television drama aside from Breaking Bad. 

Even though it doesn’t costar Peyton Manning’s cousin…

Related articles

• Spectrum Perspectives: Spiders (singularspectrum.wordpress.com)
• Daddy Longlegs: Three Critters, Same Name (livescience.com)