Last night, I was forced to admit a terrible truth, one that I had long suspected but habitually denied.
My cat is fat.
I knew she was lazy. Anybody who sleeps 21 hours a day earns that designation. The excessive girth my parents keep pointing out whenever they’d stop by for a visit? Nothing more than visual deception. A trick of the light. “She’s just furry,” I’d say. And, when that declaration was met with skeptical stares, I’d throw in an adverb to appease the masses.
“Really furry.”
About a month ago, Audrey decided to weigh Sydney. She came in at 11 pounds. I hardly thought this was anything to be concerned with. Why, she was the size of a large infant, and nothing more! So I went about my business, still believing my cat was not fat. And then last night, Audrey decided to do a little Googling about cats and their average weight and blah, blah, blah.
“Guess what?” she said. “Sydney’s fat!”
“No, she isn’t,” I replied. “She’s furry. Really furr…”
“The average female calico weighs between 7 and 9 pounds,” my daughter said, cutting me off mid-argument.
Well, then. I guess it’s true. My cat is fat. What’s up with that? I don’t overfeed her (though she is devious when it comes to her canned food, tricking both me and Tara into feeding her one morning last week). I suppose it’s the lack of exercise, but I can’t very well make her wake up and run around the townhouse, unless I grab the laser pointer and have her chase after that red beam of light (which, come to think of it, is always hilarious). Even now as I write this post she’s curled up at my feet, snoring contentedly.
That’s right. My cat snores. It’s the damnedest thing.
But as far as cats go, Sydney’s pretty cool. I’ve owned many cats over the years, and she is hands down the best I’ve ever had. She’s friendly and affectionate and tolerant, doesn’t shy away from strangers, and aside from her predilection for jumping onto the dining room table and chewing up napkins when my back is turned, really doesn’t cause any trouble.
I suppose I’ll overlook those few extra pounds and let her hang around for awhile longer.
Even though I adore her, the fact that I am blogging about my cat is a sad sign that I’m sort of scraping the bottom of the barrel for blog topics today. Sometimes the inspiration is there, other times it isn’t, but when five days have passed without writing I feel like I’ve got to put something out there. I actually have a running list of blog ideas saved to an MS Word document, but mostly they are random scraps of ideas without much substance. Some of them have been on there a year. In an effort to clean up the list, and add a couple hundred more words to this post, I thought I would finally allow some of them to see the light of day. So, without further ado, and exactly as I have written them, here are a few of those topic ideas (in bold), with my current thoughts.
Poaching an egg.
I’ve never poached an egg before. I thought it might be fun to chronicle my first attempt, complete with photos documenting the process. Trouble is, I prefer my eggs scrambled or over medium, proving this idea wasn’t all it was cracked up to be.
3-Day Rule.
Umm, what 3-day rule?! I don’t really remember! I think I was referring to the unwritten but widely accepted rule that some guys have about waiting three days after a date to call a woman back. Here’s my take on that: it’s a stupid rule. There isn’t much more that needs to be said about that.
Coaches surprised about Gatorade bath.
I was watching a football game and, for the umpteenth time, the coach looked genuinely surprised when his players dumped Gatorade all over him. This happens after every. single. victory. Do they really not know it’s coming?!
Chai Tea/Tai Chi
Love the play on words, but I’m not a fan of chai tea and I don’t practice martial arts, so really it was more of a punny title than anything else.
Pant like a dog.
One day last summer I was driving home on a sweltering afternoon and I spotted a dog on the side of the road, tongue hanging out of its mouth, panting away. I thought to myself, what an efficient cooling system a dog has – it’s so much better than sweating!
Grocery stores require too much thinking.
I’ll bet you a hundred bucks I had just returned from grocery shopping and was mentally exhausted after having to choose between paper and plastic.
Comic strips – all the best are gone. Except Pickles!
R.I.P. Calvin and Hobbes, The Far Side, Bloom County, etc. The only comic strip that still makes me laugh on a consistent basis is Pickles.
Random Twitter followers.
Why are you following me, John G. and Cody and Ashley? Who the heck are you, Mildred and Pierce? How many people in this day and age are actually named Mildred and Pierce, anyway?! I don’t know half my followers on Twitter. Is that weird? And why won’t Zach Braff ever reply to any of my tweets??
There you have it! It’s good to purge sometimes, and now that I’ve removed those admittedly odd ideas from my list, I can focus on coming up with better content in the future! What do you think? Do any of those ideas deserve to be expanded on? Do you make lists for future blog topics, and then sometimes wonder what in the hell you were thinking later? Is there any topic that should make my list but hasn’t?
Mark My Words 
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