Five years ago, I went to the beach.
It was a depressing, confusing and scary time in my life. My marriage was unraveling and I felt helpless to stop it. The kids and their mother were in California, and faced with a rare weekend to myself, I decided to take a trip to the coast. Ocean Shores, Washington was my destination…a spot which, not coincidentally, would require me to travel through Aberdeen, hometown of Kurt Cobain, a man who – despite his flaws – I consider a genius. I drove down the street he grew up on, pausing across from his house to snap a few photos, Nirvana blaring from my speakers. I then continued to the Young Street Bridge, which he famously memorialized in his song Something In The Way. Even then, twelve years after his death, the dark underbelly of the bridge was brightened by colorful graffiti and desiccated flowers left as memorials. For a huge fan like myself, this was the highlight of my trip.
But I digress. This post isn’t about dead rock stars…
I spent the night at a cheap Day’s Inn a few blocks from the beach. I tossed and turned, my mind troubled by the events of the past few months, afraid of what the future would bring. I rose early the next morning and made my way to the beach, where I wandered up and down the shore, filling my lungs full of salt air while collecting sand dollars. At some point I noticed other people on the beach, and most of them were couples, walking hand in hand, laughing and stealing kisses. My heart ached in that moment, and I felt more alone than ever before in my life. I left the beach – it was more than I could handle. My family returned the next day, and the moment I greeted them at the airport, everything was different in the worst way possible. It became painfully obvious there was no salvaging my marriage.
Of course, now when I look back on all this, I realize that our divorce was for the better, and have no regrets. We met young, drifted apart, and decided that life was too short to spend unhappy, so we did something about it. I have grown in immeasurable ways over the past five years, morphing into the person I believe I was meant to be all along. People who have been in relationships for a long time and are suddenly set free become selfish, but I think that’s a good thing: they realize the tenuous bonds of any sort of union, and maybe come to the conclusion that the only person they can rely on for their happiness is themselves. At least that was my experience, and it wasn’t a revelation that happened overnight – but it did happen, and that’s what matters most. This isn’t to say that I don’t care about other people. I do, very much. I’ve just learned to put my own needs first and stop living for others. If something isn’t working for me, I change it. What a simple philosophy. Why’d it take me so long to figure out, I wonder?
The beach still has this strange hold over me. Any beach, all beaches; if there’s sand and surf then I automatically slip into a contemplative and reflective – almost philosophical – mood. I often retreat to the coast for the day in order to clear my head, to rethink my priorities. A trip like that cleanses and refreshes my soul while also, always and inevitably, scaring me a little, because I am forever reminded of the sense of loss and despair I experienced in Ocean Shores so many years ago.
Friday was the last official day of summer vacation. The kids were in denial, Rusty going so far as declaring there was “still a month left” on August 31st, never mind the fact that their first day is September 6th. I’m a little scared that he’s a junior this year. Anyway, I wanted to do something fun with them on their last day, so we drove out to the Oregon coast. The weather was almost perfect: a sunny, cloudless sky; kinda-sorta warm (for the Oregon coast, anyway); and a breeze that wasn’t as vicious as it might have been. After awhile, I even ditched the hoodie. The kids were in their own world, splashing around in the surf and exploring the nearby caves, which left me with plenty of alone time to once again stare out at the ocean and ponder life. Only this time, I wasn’t gripped by the usual melancholy or fear of the unknown. I felt rejuvenated and alive, and while the future is by its very nature as uncertain as ever, damned if I didn’t feel a glimmer of hope for the first time in ages.
We finally packed up our stuff around 5 PM and had the entire beach to ourselves by that time, everybody else gone as the tide rolled in and the westering sun inched closer to the horizon. I decided on the spur of the moment to treat the kids to dinner at Mo’s, a local chain of casual seafood restaurants specializing in clam chowder. We ate while enjoying a view of Haystack Rock through the picture windows, a perfect end to a pretty good day.
And now, I can’t wait to return to the beach…
Mark My Words 
Wow, that’s a gorgeous shot, and a great post. I feel the same about the beach. I live so close to the beach and rarely head out that way. But when I do, I always question why I don’t make it a regular routine.
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I’m 100 miles away, so it’s an easy (and beautiful) drive for me. No wonder I go 3-4 times a year!
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What a great post! Thanks for sharing something so personal. I imagine five years ago was very difficult for you, but thankful that things have turned out how you’d like them now. And “go dad” for for a spare of the moment dinner at what seems like a great place. Glad you were able to enjoy your children for the last days (heh hmmm.. sorry I mean…month…lol) off from school.
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Thank you! I never write posts like this one…not sure what possessed me, lol. Kinda scary to open up in public like this, so I’m glad you enjoyed.
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Haha… I divulge way too much on my blog sometimes, and am often left wondering to myself “should I go back and delete that?” lol! I think it’s good to cleanse out loud sometimes. It’s just refreshing for some reason!
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Definitely worth that little bit of sunburn. 😉
I feel the same way about the mountains. Getting out for a ride is my go-to stress reliever. I love that I can be up on a hill, with a view for miles, in just a matter of minutes. The beauty and fresh air is a great way to clear the mind.
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That’s also why I love hiking…I find the same sort of clarity at 5000’+ elevation. 🙂
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What a faaaaaabulous post, Mark! And thank you so much for sharing it.
There were so many things you mentioned here that I could totally identify with, having gone through my own breakup with my partner.
“My family returned the next day, and the moment I greeted them at the airport, everything was different in the worst way possible. It became painfully obvious there was no salvaging my marriage.”
I know exactly how you felt because I had that same realization moment myself. It’s a sad and uncontrollable feeling knowing that it’s finally over, isn’t it?
But as you also shared….
“Of course, now when I look back on all this, I realize that our divorce was for the better, and have no regrets.”
Me too. And I’m glad I went through with it.
And it’s ironic you mentioned returning to the beach and feeling those feelings again, because that’s how I was whenever I returned to New York City (because that’s where we lived). But, the last time I went back, I no longer felt that. I did feel a bit emotional, but no longer sad.
AWESOME photo of the beach! WOW WHEEE! Stunning! And isn’t is something how nature has a way of healing us?
Glad you had a great time with your kids.
Again, great post, buddy!
Happy Labor Day weekend!
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Up until the airport, I still had faith and hope that things weren’t irretrievably broken, but one look in her eyes and I knew. Man, what a brutal wake-up call. I’m just glad I made it through the rough times to a place where I can actually say I’m pretty happy.
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Nice post Mark, and believe me, it’s good therapy to share like this…. I was telling your brother that I really do like you more today than 6 years ago when you were married. Not that I didn’t like you as a person, because you know I have lots of love for you, but you are happier….more open and more yourself now. I’m excited for you and for what the future has in store for you… 🙂
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Thanks, Esther. I was compromising so much of myself in the marriage, and never realized that until it was over. I’m glad you’ve gotten to know the “real” me since then!
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This is an incredibly well written and reflective post–beautifully done! I too love the beach, so I can relate to the hold it has over you. Hope you have a great Labor Day, my friend!
Kathy
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I appreciate that, Kathy. Hard to write…but glad people are enjoying it. I feel like I’ll be posting a lot more of these “personal” types of entries in the near future – you have been warned! 😉
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Do you know about the 5 doves in the sand dollar? Check it out. The sand dollar has a lot of symbolism for a Christian.
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Funny you should mention that, Carl – I had no idea, and Rusty was just commenting yesterday about how amazing those patterns on their shells are. I really need to look up the symbolism, I can see…
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Very heartfelt and emotional…I love that!
Carl’s right, there is symbolism in the Sand Dollar…pretty awesome once you read the story behind them.
I wish you the best for your future Mark…sincerely!
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Thanks, Tracy! It’s going to be an interesting journey, that’s for sure.
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What a powerful and thought provoking post, Mark. Thank you for sharing so much with us. You really are a great writer, looking through all the comments, you connected with us all. I’m well aware of those telling eyes too. I think you may be teaching me a lesson or two in this post: first, to ask myself what I really want, what needs to change, and second, to spend some more time at the beach, even if my beach is really a river that might chiggers. You get me, sir! 🙂 Glad you and the kiddos had a day out before back to school!
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Thanks so much, Jess! Means a lot coming from you. Expect more of these emotional types of posts in the future!
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I get philosophical at the beach too.
I can’t believe your son’s already a junior in high school! Seriously??
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Sir Dude, this is so perfectly written. Kudos to you for being able to put into words such a confusing/ life altering time.
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“People who have been in relationships for a long time and are suddenly set free become selfish, but I think that’s a good thing: they realize the tenuous bonds of any sort of union, and maybe come to the conclusion that the only person they can rely on for their happiness is themselves.”
I am so glad you wrote this. You somehow found a way to put into words how I’ve been feeling about everything – you are so right. That is exactly what it’s like….or has been, for me anyway. Glad to know that I’m not alone.
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