Bye Bye, Charlie Harper Guy

The Oscars are tonight, and I’m looking forward to the telecast. I generally avoid awards shows – there’s only so much excessive self-congratulatory back-patting spread out over three or four hours that a person can take – but I never miss the Academy Awards. I’m a movie fanatic, and this year I’ve seen all ten nominated films, so I feel like I’ve got a vested interest. I’m not crazy about the hosts, though. I have nothing against either James Franco or Anne Hathaway – they’re both good actors, and JF deserves a trophy for 127 Hours – but I’m a Billy Crystal or Steve Martin kind of guy. They’re my favorite go-to Oscar hosts. You know who they should have snagged this year? Charlie Sheen.

For one thing, ratings would have been through the roof. Who wouldn’t tune in to see the train wreck of the century, beamed live to televisions around the globe? Plus, it would be entertaining as hell.

I envision a dazzling song-and-dance number to open the show. The curtains part to reveal a chorus line of dancers dressed as strippers and prostitutes gyrating behind our man of the hour, Charlie Sheen, who stumbles awkwardly around the stage for a bit before launching into a musical parody of this year’s nominated films while taking jabs at CBS and his just-cancelled-for-the-season (and possibly forever) sitcom. Sung to the tune of Don McLean’s American Pie, it goes something like this.

A long, long time ago…
The internet was boring
Until Mark Zuckerberg came along.
An English king c-couldnt talk
A hiker’s arm trapped by a rock
A lesbian couple’s kids are not all wrong.

But Black Swan made me shiver
Winter’s Bone quietly delivered
The Fighter knocked opponents to the mat;
And Inception – what is up with that?!

I can’t remember if I cried
When Woody missed Andy’s ride,
But something touched me deep inside
When Rooster Cogburn died.

So bye-bye, Charlie Harper guy.
CBS is in distress,
Because their top sitcom died.
And good ol’ me is drinkin’ whiskey and rye
Chuck Lorre is a maggot, not a fly.
I think I just kissed my career goodbye.

(Hey, Weird Al, are you reading my blog? We should chat!).

Charlie could dress up as his most memorable movie characters and reprise those infamous roles. Who wouldn’t be thrilled to see Ricky “Wild Thing” Vaughn from Major League again? Or Topper Harley from Hot Shots? How about Dick from Young Guns or Bud Fox from Wall Street? Boy In Police Station from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off? Anyone, anyone?

I have nothing against Charlie Sheen personally. The guy would be loads of fun to hang out with. I always thought I was anti-drug, but Charlie Sheen smokes crack and knows how to manage it socially, so it must not be a bad thing! I could cross that off my Bucket List. Smoke crack. And while I’m at it, I could also check off cavort with prostitutes and make vaguely anti-Semitic remarks about television producers who I feel have “wronged” me.

Charlie Sheen would be lots of fun to have around for other reasons, too! Like these.

1. He’s got “fire-breathing fists.” Ooh, cool. I want to see those bad boys in action!
2. He thinks sobriety is overrated. “I was sober for five years…and was just bored out of my tree,” he says. We could drink away our boredom together! And also save a few trees in the process.
3. He believes in causes. “Walk with me side-by-side as we march up the steps of justice to right this unconscionable wrong,” he urges his fans, the unconscionable wrong being the canceling of Two And A Half Men. This could come in handy if some book publisher rejects my manuscript. I bet Charlie would walk with me up the steps of their office, and then he’d break out his fire-breathing fists. They’d have to publish me then!
4. He’s not afraid to poke fun at his own art. He calls Two And A Half Men “drivel” and a “pukefest.” It’s always nice when we can laugh at ourselves!
5. For this quote alone: “I put a billion dollars in the studio’s pockets and I put half a billion dollars in Chuck’s pocket. I should have been walking into sandwiches, massages, and handjobs. Yeah, I said it!”

All kidding aside (I mean, I should at least pretend I’ve been kidding, right?), I feel for the guy. As much as you can feel for a self-destructive, alcoholic, sex-obsessed multimillionaire with fancy cars and weekend trips to Barbados with models and porn stars tagging along, anyway. I’ve enjoyed a lot of his movies, and was a fan of Two And A Half Men from the start. As crude and obnoxious as it was (so much so that I stopped letting my kids watch it long ago), it always made me laugh. And cringe. And then laugh again. Maybe I don’t feel for Charlie Sheen so much as I do for Jon Cryer and the other cast and crew members who are suddenly out of work thanks to their egotistical costar’s insane rants. Talk about a raw deal. Then again, getting laid off through no fault of my own is a rotten deal, too.

Too bad I don’t have a pair of fire-breathing fists!

Related Articles

• Has Charlie Sheen ruined Charlie Harper? (popwatch.ew.com)
• Hollywood Reacts to Charlie Sheen’s Meltdown (eonline.com)